Today its a snowy rainy nasty day outside.
When I woke up this morning with Gypsy I didn't even want to get out of bed. She starts work at 3pm so she can lay down and not rush because her job also happens to be walking distance to our house.
Here's the thing, I didn't want to get out of bed, but I HAD TO because I have to go to the program and get my dose. Yes I have bottles home that I save. They give us a "take home" on Sunday because that's the only day the clinic is closed besides any holiday.
I don't drink my Sunday bottle fully. I will take a sip and save the rest for a day where I cant make it or something like that. Yes I could have stayed home and used on of my bottles but like I said I like to make that a last resort and not have to use it unless I REALLY need to you know?
Finally after ping ponging the idea in my had I got up, went into the shower and got dressed. Its cold and nasty out so of course layered down, hoodie, hat, face mask and heavy boots to keep my feet dry.
I walked my dogs, and then left to go.
As soon as I got on the bus I saw one of my "friends", Joann, on the bus and she looked like shit as soon as I saw her I knew she had been up all night smoking crack, and sure as shit she told me that her and another friend of hers went to a hotel and smoked crack all night into to morning and she didn't go home to her man or dog and she was going right to the program.
After we did what we needed to do in the program Joann and I were waiting for the bus and someone she knew for years but had not seen came up and they started kicking it. He was explaining how he was in a half way house, and still fucking around and on the program.
The bus came, they exchanged phone numbers and we got on.
I asked her who he was and she told me that she has known him for such a long time, and they used to hang out about 15 years ago.
Joann has been around Red Hook forever, she grew up here and she knows pretty much everyone. Shes been getting high for years, and been on the program for over 10 years as well.
Shes always been into illegal shit and never had a legit job and more then likely never will. She is more then happy with either selling drugs, or boosting, or working the system in order for her not to work and not have a real job.
When she told me all that I couldn't help but think here I am 28 and I STILL don't have my shit together. Yes I did go to school for massage therapy and finish that but I'm STILL not working a steady legit job, and I'm not doing the right thing.
It made me think I don't want to end up at the age of 40 with nothing to show for my life. I don't want to get older and run into people who I knew from way back when and NOTHING has changed about myself.
Honestly it scares me. I REALLY do want to do good, and I REALLY want the best for myself, my mom and Gypsy but its so hard.
I have like an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other and there fighting as hard as they can to win there side. Most of the time I give into the devil and go and get high and don't do the right thing.
Alot of people seem to think that its soo easy to just stop getting high and never pick up again and its nothing like that.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about getting high, and sometimes I give in and sometimes I don't.
I cant front I have been sending out my resume like crazy, filling out applications wherever I can. Right about now I'm willing to do whatever I need to in order to get some legit work. As most know the work force isn't in the best shape and people are getting laid off like theres no tomorrow, so that just makes it all the more harder.
Point being I'm really trying to get my shit right and do good. Of course people don't want that for me or Gypsy because the kind of people at the program would rather you be doing bad and be all fucked up then working, and doing the right thing. "Misery loves company" is a perfect fit for how those people are and act.
I don't really give two fucks what they think about me because there not paying my bills and putting food on my table or clothes on my back. Just gets to me sometimes you know?
Alot of people seem to think that its soo easy to just stop getting high and never pick up again and its nothing like that.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about getting high, and sometimes I give in and sometimes I don't
Anyways that was what was in my head today and what I was thinking about.
After my program I came home and walked my dogs. They HATE the rain so they don't want to do anything outside, so I busted out the rain coats and put them on for them. Myla doesn't mind but Bandit HATES wearing any kind of clothes.
Took them out they did what they needed to do to and came home and just been on the net and answering emails, and also blogging and trying to catch up on some blogs that I read on the regular.
