The hits just keep on coming!

Today is not a good day!
Today I walked my wife to work and then went to the Dunkin Doughnuts to get 
an ice coffee and bullshit
a little bit with some people. About 30min alter she calls me and tells me she got fired.
I ask why, she says shes walking up to come meet her she has a bag of her stuff that's
heavy. I ran up 3blocks to meet her, get the bag and see wtf happened.
Maria (my wife) said that her boss called her into the office and said that she said something
so vicious and malicious that he didn't want to repeat it and she needed to be let go. What
was said was that someone in the office, "office" yea right they don't know wtf there doing there. (It was a Doggy Day Care) anyway, Maria said someone there married for papers. The girl
who she was talking about is fucking the boss and that's the main reason why this has happened.
What did I and still want to do? I wanted to bust in there and let that muthafucka know
how hurt my wife was, how much she busted her ass for them, how much she cared and
loved those dogs like no one else there! Of course she would let me because she knows
that I would have more than likely taken it 10 steps further. I would have maced or stabbed
the mofo and then went to prison for sure seeing as I'm fighting a case, a felony at that right
now!
What KILLED me was that this week she went and made a down payment on not one but
TWO pairs of Timberland Boots that look like this but only in black and another pair that are blue that just came out this week 
for me. Shes just too much. She said let me go and pay for them now because if I dont I will
lose my deposit and I want you to have them. I asked the guy if she could get her money
back and he said he couldn't do it of course. So she paid for them and got them for me. They
are simply beautiful! I wanted to cry! Shes always thinking of me and wanting to get
me anything and everything I want and things she wants me to have. She also told me that
she was going to get us name rings or bracelets, and shes glad she didn't lay money down on
that right now.
I feel like shit, she feels like shit and I cant stop her from feeling like this. I try cheering her
up as much as I can but I know she needs to just ride it out for now. She took some sleeping
pills and is now sleeping out cold as I'm typing this. I just want for her to be happy, that's
all I EVER want! I HATE seeing her hurt. I hate that someone else made her feel like this
and I cant hurt them back!
I guess that's it for now. I was going to post about a friend of mine who passed away this
week but right now I just cant even think about it.
I miss him, he was a good person, and life sucks hairy balls! His mother has no money
for a funeral, and if she doesn't do something he will end up in Potters Field with a number
in a pine box.
I will post more about what happened and everything later on today.

Haunted

Your probably going to think I'm nuts but I'm going to tell you what happened anyway.
Last night I was on the computer, just bullshit, reading mostly.
I was reading up on some case of people on Death Row. I have been in prison and have alot of people I care about in prison/jail and I have also made new friends by writing people in prison.
Now it was about 2:30 - 3:00am and all of a sudden I felt a pit in my stomach. It felt like something crazy, I don't want to say evil because I don't know if that was the correct feeling. Next thing I know I look to the left of me which is the dinning room and there was what looked like a child standing next to me, no more than 2feet. I jumped up and screamed, my wife didn't move. I just went to bed and closed my eyes.
This morning when my wife went to wake me I jumped and shes like "whats wrong with you, for the past 2 weeks or so all you do is scream, cry, yell, curse and whine in your sleep". She said it looks as if I'm being tortured in my sleep and its just crazy to her. She says sometimes she cant make out what I'm saying and sometimes its just cursing and yelling so violent.
Now I don't know if it was what I was reading that made me see what I did, or whatever seems to be "haunting" me in my sleep. My wife says she has seen things in the house before but nothing where she felt it was "evil or bad" and shes never seen anything looking like a child.
Now as I'm sitting here I'm getting goosebumps. It was fucking nuts I'm telling you. I know what I saw, I know what I felt. I don't know what the shit is that I'm doing while sleeping.
I have always been a talker in my sleep but my wife says shes never seen anything like this with me before.
Let me know what you guys think, I'm always interested in hearing others opinions or stories or whatever.

Bullet or A Vein

This morning started out fucked up. First off I wasn't feeling well, I hadn't gotten any sleep and as soon as my wife got up we started fighting. I'm not going to front somethings were said to me that hurt but maybe she was right, I surely didn't see it like that. she used the term "useless" on me and that's the word that stung the most.

So after I went to my program and saw the regular ugly faces and same fucking gossip being said. 
I walked home and took my doggies out as soon as I got in. I gave them a nice walk around the hood
and I'm sure they loved it.
When I got home I put up the new shower curtain she bought for the house, and cleaned like a mofo. 
I busted my ass. I wanted my wife to come home to a nice, clean, candle lit house. I little while ago she
called me to ask if the dog food was delivered and I told her no. she asked what I was doing and what

I did since leaving me for work. I told her all the above and she went on to say that she bought me something.

I told her stop spending her money on me and buy herself something nice. 
She said "I want you to have all the things you want. I want my baby to look fly and have nice shit. I want
people to stare and be jealous that my girl is the shit".
That made me want to fucking cry I swear! She wont tell me what it is and I have a feeling she just
put some money down on something for layaway.
I swear I really don't know where I would be if I didn't have her. I think I would have either killed
myself with a bullet to the brain or a OD in the Vein! 

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate I keep on doing.

Romans 7:14

Still Up

I'm still awake and I think I'm just going to stay up. I have all these thoughts running in my head and right now I wanna get high so bad. I have the money, I can call my guy anytime but I'm just like fuck it! I keep on reading and watching some crazy ass videos on YouTube.
I don't have much planned for today. I was going to drop in on my mom and see how shes doing. She always enjoys seeing me. Her and my girl are my world. I would be lost without them really.
Recently my mom was diagnosed with diabetes and shes freaking the fuck out because now she has to go to the doctors and make sure her body is running right.
She never was really one for the doc. she HATES them really. I try to go with her as often as I can because I know it must feel scary for her and she should have to go alone when she has 3 children.
However my sister lives 100miles away, and my brother always puts his wife and his family in front of his own mother. Mind you my mom has done so much for him and hes just a fucking prick, gets it from his dad I guess!
Ok well that's my rant for now. I'm going to walk my doggies and get some coffee for me and my wife. I think I will also surprise her with something to eat.

Convicted forger A. Schiller was serving his time in Sing
Sing prison in the late 1800s when guards found him dead in
his cell. On his body they found seven regular straight pins
whose heads measured the typical 47/1000ths of an inch or
1.17 millimeters in diameter. Under 500 magnification it was
found that the tiny etchings seen on the heads of the pins
were the words to The Lord's Prayer, which is 65 words and
254 letters long. Of the seven pins, six were silver and one
was gold - the gold pin's prayer was flawless and a true
masterpiece. Schiller had spent the last 25 years of his life
creating the pins, using a tool too small to be seen by the
naked eye. It is estimated that it took 1,863 sepatate carving
strokes to make it. Schiller went blind because of his
artwork.


Talk about a dedicated man! I guess because he was locked down for all those years he needed something to fill his time.

I Used

Yesterday I used. I dont know why I just did. I never know why really. Anyways I called my guy, he was around so I got dressed and went out to meet him. I have to take a train to where he is. Its not that long of a ride but its not around the corner either. One of the main reasons I dont cop in my hood is because I dont want everyone knowing my business. They might have an idea but they dont know for sure.
I dont go outside stoned out of my face. I dont go out selling things to make money. I dont go begging people for money and things of that nature.
When I got there I called to let him know what I needed and where we would meet. Like all dealers they say 10min and it takes them 30 for some reason. Dont ask me why because I have no clue. I guess most of them see it as well they need to wait for me no matter what so Im going to take my sweet ass time. When I sold drugs I was never like that but thats another blog post at a later time.
So after waiting for him I met up with one of his workers who is crazy looking. Its so obvious that she smokes crack and drinks ALOT of beer. As soon as she comes in your direction you can smell the beer. I hate that smell. I never really was a drinker and dont really care for it that much. If its around and free sure I will go for it, thats the addict in me. Anyway I managed to take a pic of this crackhead bitch.
After the hand off I took my shit stashed it just in case cause you never know where or when the cops will roll up on you, and I went back on the train. Got home safe and did my thing.

Bad Ads

Here are some really badly placed ads.

The Last Time...

Its been 7years and counting. I look just like him so how can he not think of me?
How can he speak to my brother, and sister and not me? Am I that bad? Did I disappoint him that much?
But he drank, he gambled, he knew addiction well.
He would come home loaded, and I would know right away what kind of mood he was in within the first 2min. He was in a good mood if he won money, and a bad one if he lost money and I'm not talking about little amounts either. He didn't know how to bet little amounts just like he didn't know how to drink little amounts of alcohol. Just like I don't know how to take one shot or one toke or one pill.
I can remember it like it was yesterday he was living at my mothers home at this point in time. My mother didn't even speak to him, she made him sleep on the love seat in her room. Sometimes he would just sleep on the floor because it was more comfortable for him then the seat. Of course we weren't speaking either. My brother was living in the downstairs apt. with his wife and my nephew who i love to death! 7:30pm time for the NY lotto numbers to be drawn. 4848 was his and that's how it came out. Of course he had good money on the and he hit big. He hit the number for
about 20,000. He asked my brother wife to cash the ticket for him because he couldn't. He owed money out and of course he didn't want any being taken from him. He gave her money for cashing the ticket. He gave about 3grand to by brother and about 3grand to my sister. Me and my mother knew he hit the number and was waiting for him to say something, anything, just be honest. We didn't want anything from him. For the next 3 days my mother asked him and every single time he denied it every single time! Finally she got my brother to confess and his wife to confess. I mean your living under her roof for free not paying a dam bill and you cant even be honest with the woman?!
Well once it was confirmed she confronted my father. I think it was the first time they had spoken to each other in months and of course it was to fight.
Well he said he was going to take me shopping because he didn't want to give me any cash, and that he refused to give her anything.
Last straw I guess because she said "take your things and get the fuck out". Well in his mind he thought he will do as he wanted and said in return "I will leave when I'm ready" "No you leave NOW, take whatever you have cause you are NEVER coming back" So he went and packed his shit for the 100th time and my brother drove him to a hotel in the area.
The very next day I was walking in my mothers area close to the house and I saw him walking down the block. We were on the same side of the street. Honestly in my head I thought he wanted to say something to me. I thought he was going to maybe say sorry or even if he was going to blame me and say it was all my fault I would have been ok with that, at least he said something right? No, he passed me, looked right at me and kept on walking. That was the last time I ever saw him......

BS

Everyday I have to go to a program for my drug abuse problem . I'm sure in further posts I will explain more as to what its all about.
Just when I think I have seen it all someone or something else comes along and knocks that thought right out of the picture.
It amazes me how these people live. Yes I got high and still do from time to time but I didn't make it my WHOLE life. I didn't make the drama and the gossip my word like they have. Will I sit and listen to the bullshit, sure because the more I listen and hear about this shit the more it makes me feel somewhat "normal".
Theres this couple Joe & Gina who have been together off and on forever. I swear its like a fucking soap opera. One day there fighting, screaming at each other in the middle of the street to the where the cops are coming. Then the next day there all lovey dovey kissing and making out in the street.  
Then there is this other couple Billy and Liz. Well Billy just recently cheated on his wife of 23years with another woman Sara who is only 21 and not all there if you know what I mean. Well this sat. Liz saw Sara and beat the living shit out of her.
Now I understand your anger at the other woman but its really not her fault, it the mans fault. If my wife cheats on me how can I get mad at the other person? I mean unless its like my best friend and it was done out of spite or something like that right? The girl Sara was so scared, and didn't want to fight that once Liz went up to her and started hitting her she just went down and fell into the fetal position.  Now beating on someone who doesn't want to fight back does that make you feel better? I haven't had the chance to talk to Liz to see what the deal was but I'm going to ask her why not take your frustration out on your man, after all hes the one who stuck his dick in the girl!
Everyday its one thing or another. They feed off of drama and I try to stay away from all that bullshit because really that's all it is BULLSHIT!

Some Funny Videos To End The Night


Card Trick gone very wrong!

New Places, Same Faces

I went down to my old stomping grounds today with one of my homies. I was kind of sad to see that the way I remembered it was not the way I found it today. Alot of things have changed. There was all these new Apt bulidings being put up, new "hip" bars, and all these new art galleries. I saw that a few places where I used to chill were either being taken down, or they have something totally new there and all that was once there is now gone.
Everytime I go down there its impossible not to run into someone who I know or knew or got high with or stole with or whatever. As soon as I stepped off the train steps I saw an old dealer. He looked so happy to see me. I thought wow I must be looking really good and he must be happy to see me doing good. YEA RIGHT! His first words after the inital "whats up?!" was "need anything I got that ill shit". I simply gave him a "no thanks homie Im good" and kept it moving. The dealer looked the same, and was hanging in the same spot. I then walked away with my homeboy and chilled out with him for a
few before heading home.
On my way to the train I ran into another person I knew. This was someone I used to
get high with. Seems like they are still getting high and things have just got worse with them. They are now homeless, smoking crack and selling thier body for money. Selling my ass was something I could never do for money. I would rather go out and rob then do that. I dont, and never knocked the hustle, it just wasnt for me. I just think its like the lowest thing to happen to a person. When you have to stand outside and flag cars down and then give 10-20 dollar blowjobs for money
shit is just insane in my mind.
After I gave her a smoke she then asked me if I had any money that I could give an "old
friend". Honestly I didnt give it to her because she was never a friend she was just someone I got high with. So I kept on walking and went on the train. As Im waiting for the train I saw a dude who I used to tell to stay away from drugs. There was a younger crowd that hung out where I was and I always used to tell them that the hard drugs I was on was no fucking fun and to never get down with them. Of course not all listened and some got addicted. Well this dude I saw was one of them. He had a girl who just turned 17 and who also just had a baby. I asked a bunch of questions and came to find out that his baby is doing fine and being taken care of by the family of the girl whom he had it with. That he was going down to the court house because his homeboy got busted yesterday at Rite Aid for stealing. He was now shooting dope and he has just turned 18. That last summer he spent most of it on Rikers and not on the streets. That his girl is out smoking crack and selling her body to get it. That shes sleeping with anyone and everyone in order to get it. That she cut her wrists the other day because she was out smoking for days and just "bugged out" as he said. That he has OD'ed once and he told the story of how it happened with a smerk as if there was something funny about it. I went on to tell him that he will have to learn on his own that this street life aint fun! That if he didnt get his shit together his baby would grow up without a mom and a
dad and that his baby will probably hate him for most of his life. That his baby never asked to be born and what he and his girl was doing wasnt fair to the kids life. He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and went on to say that he knew and he
wanted to get his shit together for his kid and that even if his girl didnt he would take care of the baby by himself.
His stop came up on the train and I gave him the pound and he got off and went to the courthouse to meet up with his running buddie. All I could think was dam Im glad I dont live that life anymore, and that I really felt for the baby and them as well because they were just babies themselves. I can bet any amount of money that they didnt REALLY know what they were getting into when first doing dope, and now that they have a habit its too dam late. I know because it happened to me just the same. Only I didnt have anyone like myself trying to warn them to stay away from drugs and that street life wasnt fun. When I caught my habit I had no clue what the fuck was going on but thats another story.
It just showed me that even though I have been away for awhile and only pass by here and there, not much has changed. Some people got stuck, some people got caught up, some people got worse and some people like myself woke the fuck up and started living.

Where Do I Begin?

Ok well seeing as this is my first post on here Im just going to give it my best shot and see how it goes. I cant promise anything here.
Im sure not everyone will like or agree with what I have to say but thats all good. Im always up for new points of view and opinions.
Im just going to give a lil indroduction as to who I am and what Im all about.
Im 27 years old. Born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. I live with my lover of 3 years. She works doing animal rescue and I help her doing that as much as I can. I love animals and hate to see them suffer.
I am a addict and struggle to stay clean everyday. I dont use like I used to. My drug of choice is heroin and really any kind of downers. Xanax, Vicodin and ect. My wife is aware of my problem and is very supportive of me and loves me very much. IF it werent
for her I honeslty dont know where I would be at this moment.
Im a massage therapist but havent worked in awhile. Im trying to just keep my head clear and stay out of trouble.
Well thats about it, anything else you would like to know about me dont hesitate to ask.