Whats The Reason?

I was about 16 years old and heavy into the drug game by now. I was shooting dope, and smoking crack. I was also smoking weed, and on the weekends when I went out with my friends I would do sniff coke, take Ecstasy & Ketamine I was a garbage head really. Not everyone in the crew knew I was smoking crack and shooting dope. They thought I only did it once and awhile and didn't know I had a habit and was on a mission.
Anyways here I am a 16 year old female thinking I can take on the world. I was always the "tomboy" type. I always knew I liked females in a sexual way so I always ran with the boys and that made me all the more tough. I made my money with my running partner who was a man named Shabazz. When I met him I was 15 and he was 36, he had just come home from doing a 9 year bid in a max prison.
We clicked right away, and he didn't want to get into my pants, he saw I was about my money and I liked to get high and he was the same way. He always got money, stayed fly and was able to get high. Of course we had our bad days but what addict doesn't. The point I'm trying to make is Bazz was good to me and he took my under his wing and looked at me like a little sister.
So everyday we would meet up if we didn't break night together, and plan how we would make our money and what we were going to take off in order to "get this money".
One day he tells me he has something set up and all I have to do is lookout and were paid.
He was going to take off a number spot/weed spot with another guy and all I had to do is lookout, and make sure no one came inside while they did what needed to be done.
So we went over it and over it and the time came....
Bazz and his homeboy went in and I stood outside the door like I was told to do.
I could hear people screaming and loud noises coming from inside but I tried to block it out and stay on point with what I had to do.
What seemed like forever was only 2 minutes if that and Bazz and his homeboy came out with bags that held cash & weed.
We got in the car and drove away, all of us happy and trying to keep our cool and make sure no one was following us..
We went into his homeboys apartment, and split up the goods. His homeboy was arguing with Bazz over the fact that I shouldn't get as much as I was because they did most of the work and if anything happened they were the ones that were going down for it.
Well after a few heated words Bazz made sure I got my fair cut and we went right to the 24 hour spot on Humbolt that sold both crack and dope and Bazz and I loaded up and we went and got a hotel room and partied.
Right after it happened the word was out that the spot had gotten stuck up and they were putting word out that if anyone knew anything they would give cash money to any info.
Bazz told me not to worry, that as long as none of us talked we would be in the clear and I knew I wasn't saying anything and I knew he wasn't either, and neither was his homeboy.
A few days later I was going to cop dope at Da Spot. After I got my shit I headed over to this shooting gallery that all the junkies knew of and went to, as long as you had something for "Dud" (That was the dudes nickname) then you can go in and do your shit and relax, or smoke and get all cracked out.
So I went inside and right away I got a bad feeling but just dismissed it. I was doing my first shot of the day so I was just getting off "E", in other words I was taking the dope sickness away and not really getting high just yet.
After I did my shit I smoked a cigarette and was getting ready to leave when this crackhead pulled out a gun on me.
He was cracked out of his mind and he was saying that I had money and I was going to give it up or he was going to kill me.
Let me tell you something it is a strange feeling having a gun pointed right at your face. I mean to the point where you can look right down the barrel.
I told him I didn't have shit and I was just getting off "e" and I was going out to hustle in order not to be sick later on.
Of course I was lying and had the money stashed in my shoe but even with a loaded gun in my face I wasn't giving up my fucking money. Shit I took the risk and here was this nigga pulling a gun on me and just taking it? (Meanwhile that's how I got mine but fuck it).
After a few choice words and screaming back and forth he pulled the trigger and the gun did go off, matter of fact it went off right by my ear and I lost most of my hearing in that ear but it didn't touch me. I don't know if it backfired or the bullet was a blank. To this day I still don't know.
Lou posted about the movie American Beauty when the guy gets shot in the head his life flashes before his eyes. When the gun went off none of that happened to me. I didn't think of my family, friends, good times, or bad times, I was simply blank.
Maybe it wasn't my time and that's why that didn't happen to me? Maybe when it really is my time to go I will see all that? Who knows?
What I do know is I'm still here and still getting high and taking chances. I'm not taking chances like I was, shit nothing like I used to.
I would certainly like to think that gun missed for a reason.....

Happy Holidays!

Just want to wish everyone a happy holidays. Whatever your religion is and whatever you celebrate I hope you enjoy it.

As for me and Gypsy we are going over to a very good friends house tonight, and then were going out with my mother for dinner.
I plan on making the best of it and having a great time!

Again try to enjoy yourself no matter what the situation might be!

Merry X-Mas!

Oh and this is my 100th post since I started the blog!! Who would have thought I had so much to say??

Stay Up!

*Shits Creek Not MeThis Time*

Sorry that my last post was soo long ago. I try so hard to keep up, its just sometimes I don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling, or I feel like it might be a little too private to let the world read about.
Anyone else feel either one of those ways? I'm sure I'm not the only one right?

So lets see a few things have happened since my last blog.

There was a all out brawl in front of my program last Saturday and its not the end of it. They had the guy & his wife on the floor and were stomping them out and beating them up with there own chain & lock they brought to jump someone while she was going to be with her kids.
Just so happens the woman they were going to jump is Judy the one I have blogged about and talked about before.
Well her older son who I wrote to in Rikers, and her husband & another guy I talk to and know beat the shit outta the others. They were waiting for Judy, thinking she was going to be alone with her little kids and they were going to jump her with the weapon they had the chain & lock however the tables got turned big time and they got fucked up!

I honestly feel like they got what they had coming to them, and that they should have gotten a bigger beat down then what they got.
Also kinda glad that no one got in trouble and got arrested for those fucking scumbags.

Unfortunately Judy and her twin sister, Joann, got caught shoplifting and they are now on Rikers with a $500.00 bail for each of them. They are coming back to court on Monday. I don't know whats going to happen with them. Boosting is there thing, and they always get caught for that so they might end up doing some time. Judy has kids and has a open ACS case so that's REALLY not fucking good.
Joann's boyfriend who just got out of this prison about 4months ago is up shits creek because he has a dope habit and he depended on Joann to boost everyday and make money that way. Now I don't know WTF hes going to do to keep that monkey off his back. I'm sure he's going to ask me to help him out but I just cant do it right now.
I will let you know whats up as I know.

My good friend Lisa is back in the hospital once again....fucked up I know tell me about it.
Shes got a bad case of pneumonia. Shes in one step down from ICU.
Last night I went to her apartment in Harlem to take care of her cat Buster. Gypsy & I saved that cat from the shelter and Lisa took him in and gave him a good home. So being shes in the hospital I agreed to go over and make sure the cat is ok, as far as food, his litter, water and just some company.
I ended up staying the night there last night and I kind of enjoyed being alone with myself and my thoughts.

Today I went to my program and met up with Gypsy. We went and had a great lunch together. Its pouring raining here, and I think its going to be like this all weekend.

Oh you MUST check out this link.
Its a live web cam of English Bull Dog PUPPIES!
SO freaking cute! Gypsy & I have been watching them for like the past 2 weeks and we love every minute of it!!
If you don't smile at them and how cute they are then theres something seriously wrong with you!!

This weekend I'm going to put up X-mas lights, and decorations for my mothers house, and as well as our apartment.
I'm kind of excited, I'm trying to get into the spirit even though I'm not really feeling it this year. Oh well we shall see..

Well I think that's about it.
I did go out and cop something for tonight. I haven't done anything since Sunday.
I'm trying but it seems to be calling me non-stop.

Stay Up!

Happy Turkey Day!!

Just want to say thanks to everyone that has been commenting on my recent blog posts.

Had a great holiday. Gypsy, my mom, & I went out to eat for dinner. This is the very first Thanksgiving that we all have ever been out for dinner.
It was a great dinner & we had a great time I am very happy to say.

I am going to apply for a job tomorrow so wish me luck.

Other then that been chilling trying to stay out of trouble and just got home to the babies and watching a mini-marathon of "Lockup RAW". I love any shows that have to do with prison. I don't know why I hate the place and anyone being there that doesn't TRUELY deserve it however I enjoy watching any kind of Documentaries or shows on it.

I really wish everyone had a good holiday and it was stress free.
Stay Up!

Stressed... & Venting.....

Dam another post in a row? This has GOT to be a record. You know what it is, its that I have alot going on in my life and alot going on in my mind and I figure that before I blow the fuck up and end up in jail for taking my frustration out on the wrong person I might as well try to vent some of my shit on here you know?

Ok here it goes as you know from my last post my brother didn't even call my mother for her birthday and I know it hurt her and she told me not to call him and not get mad.
Well last night my brother called me saying he cant get in touch with my mother and he was getting ready to cal 911 because he was worried.
So my response to him was "instead of calling 911 why didn't you just call her for her birthday"
He came back saying some shit with " you know sKILLz I have alot of things on my mind"
I told him "come on now F. you act like your the only one with problems, well your not. you remembered to call your father for HIS birthday RIGHT you fucking scumbag" also with another few choice words I'm not going to post on here. Then I hung up on him before he could even respond.
He called my mother after my phone call and said I had no right to talk to him like that and so on.
He left me a voice mail saying some BULLSHIT that wasn't even true.

So I called him and left a voice mail saying basically to sum it up:
Fuck you
Fuck your father, he could die tomorrow and I wouldn't give a fuck
I haven't given a fuck about him for years and I wont for years to come
Hes a piece of shit and your becoming like him more and more each day.
You can let him listen to this voicemail because I don't give a FUCK
Fuck your Cunt of a wife who has no respect for my mother. She couldn't take 5 min out of her day and call her??
Again fuck you and your wife who has no respect and doesn't know how to treat people. I don't like the way she treats my mother and tell her I said shes another fucking scumbag asshole for all the things my mother did for her.
Again you only know how to call my mother when you want or need something.

He made a comment on my voicemail saying "you know people have lives"

So on my voicemail I said along with everything else "people have lives, why don't you think about the person who GAVE your your fucking life you SCUMBAG BASTARD!
That's alright because God doesn't like ugly and your life is looking pretty ugly to me" and then I hung up.

He called my mother and said I cant believe all the things she said on that voicemail, do you know whats she said. My mother knew because I called her and let her know and gave her a heads up.

Anyways bottom line today I went over to my mothers and surprised her with a visit and brought her some sugar free candy and just spent some time with her. She is always happy to have me over there even if for a few hours.

After I went to my mothers I went to cop some dope and I'm waiting for Gypsy to get home before I do it. Why did I go and get it? I don't know I am stressed and I honestly want to get high and just "get away" from all the bullshit running in my head and just get high.
Theres no justification for doing it but I know like I said I just want to "get away" and get high and feel nice..

I just finished taking the doggies on a nice long hour or so walk, then fed them and at around 9pm I'm going to meet Gypsy at her job and walk them again for a few. There last walk for the night will come around 1-2am or so.
There really good that way. They let me know when they have to go out and go. Bandit will start pacing and staying by the door, and if I am sleeping he will keep scratching my arms until I wake up and I know right away he has to go out.

It feels so great in here with the new windows and the new boiler. The windows are whats making the difference. Its keeping the heat in, instead of the old windows that when it snowed I could make you a ice slushy.
I am very grateful at this point and I don't mind getting out of bed and taking them out because i know I'm going to be coming back into a nice heated house, opposed to before where there were drafts and it was just horrible.

So in a nutshell that's whats been going on with me in the past day or so.
Hope everyone is doing well out there.....
Stay Up

As So Goes.....

Wow 3 days in a row of posting I think this is a record for me blogging....LOL

Well I have good news to day we have a BRAND NEW boiler. We have heat and hot water and its Pumping!!
Last night I went to my mother because like I posted it was her birthday and I got her what I said I was going to get her and boy O boy was she surprised. She was crying tears of joy and that made me happy because I knew how happy I made her.
My sister called her and I'm sure she mailed her a card and its just going to come late. If she doesn't then I have more faith in her then I thought and shes a real fucking asshole.
My brother didn't even CALL HER!!! Can you fucking believe that shit???
I KNOW that hurt my mother so much and for that fact I wanted to go and fucking beat the living SHIT outta him because like I said I know how much it hurt her.
I was going to call him in the morning when I woke up because I slept over and we had dinner together and my mother didn't want me to call because she wanted to see how long it would take him to remember for him to call her.
She said "he remembered his fathers birthday what was it to remember mine and just call me", ughhhh when she said that it made me wanna hurt him EVEN MORE!!!!
I swear this is breaking up our family even more then it was before. I mean we were never a tight family. The song that always reminds me of my family is "FAMILY PORTRAIT" by "PINK"
Just the words, if you don't know the song then listen to them and it is pretty close to painting a picture of what my family was like only it was 100x worse.

Hey no ones family is perfect but growing up with a scumbag gambler & alcoholic father why would beat the shit outta me for nothing is pretty FUCKED no???
I certainly think so.
I don't know if I'm a addict because of it or not who's to ever say. I know I was running the streets and getting high to get away from my house and the shit that was going on in it so I know that, then just got too deep too fast. Liked running the streets, liked hanging out, liked getting high......as so goes the start of my addiction.....

I Dont Get It

Thanks everyone for there comments on my last post.
To day I'm going to post a little on the subject of family.
See what sucks is today is my moms birthday and like I said in the above post what I was going to get for her and I did and I'm also going to spend the night with her and we are going to eat diner together and I KNOW just me being there makes her fucking day but I went out of my way for her as I try to do each year because she has done so much for me.
Now here it is 6 PM and my older sister and older brother haven't even CALLED her yet. What the FUCK type shit is that?! Who raised you, you fucking motherfucking scumbags?!?!
See my mother knows how I am and she doesn't want me to say anything to them or to fight with them because if her and I'm like "ma I can only take but so much before I explode"
I know for a FACT they are waiting for my mother to pass to see what she has left them in her will. I know that when she finally does pass and God PLEASE let it be many many moons from now that that's when they will come out of the woodwork and see what was left to them.
When my mom was at the hospital when she first got diagnosed with diabetes my brother went to see her once, and my sister didn't even come down and see not a one time. Me, I went EVERYDAY faithfully after my clinic and would sit with her and do crosswords and watch TV just do whatever to pass the time.
It just so happens that she was in the hospital on Mother Day and I was the ONLY one who got her something and who came to see her and spend time with her.
You don't know how much it KILLS me to know that they are hurting my mother SO FUCKING MUCH!
I know that when she is gone there going to be sorry for the time they lost out on her.
I think that the fact that they both chose to stick to my father side played a big part as well. Why would you even talk to that man for? He was a gambler a alcoholic, and he used to throw us beating for no fucking reason. Shit and that's not even the HALF of the shit I went threw as a child but that's another blog. I think I have blogged about my father before I have to go back and check.
Anyways bottom line hes a fucking lowlife motherfucker and he doesn't deserve my piss if he was on fire and yet my sister and brother chose to talk to him, and visit with him and send him cards and so on. So WTF is so hard about doing the same for your mother?
I'm sorry but I don't get it and NEVER will!
Hope everyone is doing well and getting ready for the holidays.
Stay Up Everyone!

Happy Birthday Mommy I love You Always!!

Well here it goes this is whats been going on in my life....

Today I had to miss the clinic because FINALLY we got brand new windows all 6 of them. They measure 37x107 & 37x94 so you can imagine how fucking much they were. Then hopefully later this week the new boiler is coming in. We have been with out heat and hot water for too long. Having to boil water every fucking night for showers is just not livable conditions. So we are VERY happy about that happening.
The dogs were very good I must say. Bandit is the one who doesn't like anyone, however when you come in the house and he sees that I ALLOW you to come in hes ok with it. Myla is just a sweetie pie and a mush, that's why I will NEVER understand why what happened with Charlie happened. I just have to stop blaming myself and move on as hard as it is to even think about it. Just the THOUGHT of her makes me cry.
Like I said before we don't have kids but our animals ARE our kids so it was a hard blow a VERY hard one.

I'm still looking for work. Finally had some time on the computer and sent out about 10 resumes and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed.
Same old shit at the clinic. I try very hard to not even talk with anyone but its like even if I have my iPod on or if I'm reading a book they come over and start talking nothing but junkie fucking talk.
Tomorrow is my moms Birthday. She said she doesn't want anything but of course I'm going to get her something. Believe it or not she doesn't have a DVD player so I was going to get her one and to start off her collection I was going to get her the " I LOVE LUCY" complete series. I saw it at Target for only 150 so what she worth it with all the shit she put up with me.
Talk about shit I was the only one out of all of her children (theres 3 of us. I have a older brother and sister) who even got her something last year.
You cant take time out to send her a fucking CARD??
See this is one of the reasons why I know for a fact that when my mother passes away I will probably be totally on my own.
My brother is a scumbag and still talks and comforts my father. My sister lives upstate and also talks to my father and they BOTH seem to only call my mother when they want or need something. I call my mom every fucking day. She is a diabetic and shes in her 60's you know God forbid but anything can happen. Plus I go and stay over a few nights a week because I know she loves just having me there. Plus sometimes I bring some laundry and get it done for free. LOL.

Anyways I'm still alive and kickin....barley somedays.......

"You had my heart, and we'll never be world apart Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star Baby cause in the dark, we can't see shiny cars And that's when you need me there With you I'll always share Because When the sun shine We'll shine together Told you I'll be here forever Said I'll always be your friend Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we still have each other You can stand under my umbrella"

McDonalds & Movies

So this morning Gypsy and I didn't even want to get out of bed but we had to go to to the program. Its the weekend and if you don't go today that means no dose for today or Sunday and then when you go in on Monday you have to be re-instated and they take 10Mg's from your normal dose.
So finally after dragging our butts out of bed we got showered and dressed. We were running late so we had to jump into a cab and its not that far so only cost 6 bucks.
While on line at the program my friend Judy's kids came over to me and hugged on me and said hello. I told them to wait outside because I honestly feel like that's no place for any children to be in.
After getting dosed we went outside and waited for the bus to go to breakfast. We have a ritual of somewhat, every Saturday after the program we go to McDonald's for there breakfast. So while we were waiting for the bus Judys kids were playing with me and joking around. I love those kids because I feel like when the kids are with me there KIDS and they don't have to listen to junky talk, and be around drug talk or anything of that nature.
So as the bus pulled up the boy jumped on my back and asked if he could come with me I told him to ask your mother and she said she was waiting for someone and that she would meet up with us.
Unfortunately they never showed up and Gypsy and I did give them enough time to come and they never did.
So after breakfast and waiting for Judy and the kids we decided to go to the movies. "SAW V" came out last night and I LOVE all of the "SAW" movies and so does Gypsy. We caught the 11:50am showing and it was on!

Honestly I did enjoy it but I really think they should leave it alone, and stop with it you know? I mean don't try to make it into like how the "Halloween" & "Nightmare On Elm Street" movies went on and on.

So we just got back home from the movies, we went and got something to eat for later because its supposed to rain heavy way into the night. So I walked our babies and now everyone is sleeping well and I think its starting to rain already...
Till Next time..
stay up!

POP OFF

Wow man time fucking flies I'm telling you. I'm just now realizing that I haven't blogged in almost a month.
I guess the main reason for me not blogging is because I don't really have much going on in my life that I would put on blast.
Some of the things going on in my life are very personal and I don't feel all that comfortable with sharing them with just anyone that comes along my blog.
My normal readers or other people I hooked up with on the net know whats going on and if I haven't filled you in you know how to holla at me so get at cha Brooklyn Bitch.
Other then that I STILL feel like I'm ready to fucking POP OFF at any minute, STILL feel like I have the world on my shoulders and I hate the fact that no matter what I do its never enough for the people around me.
I'm STILL looking for real work, LEGIT work and STILL nothing.
Just a few days ago I was given the chance to work but not doing the right thing and making the quick buck. I said I would think about it and I have been thinking about it because I don't feel its right for alot of the weight to fall on Gypsy. I will see how that goes....
STILL people at my program are talking shit and STILL I feel like I can POP OFF on any one of them at any given time.
Just this week one bitch made a remark to someone "that's why I hate lesbians because there always nasty to me, those fucking lesbian bitches I cant stand them" and someone had to hold me down because I felt like a pit bull ready to attack and if she wasn't a real friend she would have gone with me to kick her ass. Instead she held me back and made me think that shes not worth it and I have shit to lose and she ain't shit to me.

My friends son is in Rikers and I got a letter from him the other day letting me know I was practically the only one who has written him and he tends on doing the right thing when he comes home. Hes coming home on November 3rd I believe and he is only 20 years old so I have been trying to let him know that robbing and running the streets and getting high is not cool and is not fun. I have been there and don't that I told him and I'm just trying to get some sense into him. He says hes going to do the right thing but anyone can talk all that good shit in there while being locked down but once you hit the streets its a whole other story!

Other then all that Myla is still with us and were still looking for a home for her. Shes a hard one. We have really grown to love her despite her killing our cat, Charlie Girl.
Also Gypsy and I went to go see the Scissor Sisters here in NY City. They were playing under another name and we got the heads up and you needed a password to get in and we did not know what it was. However gypsy wrote a email to someone I don't even know who and the woman put us on the list and WE GOT IN! We were so close they had to pass us to get on stage! Oh man it was fucking great! Amanda LePore was the starting act and then they came on and ROCKED IT! A shot of Jack was 7 bucks! I couldn't fucking believe it!
We had a great time and I was really glad we went and got out of the house together!!
Its starting to get cold here in New York and I love it. I love the winter just something about it. I love the snow and the hoodies and the Timberland Boots and matching hats and matching gloves I always have and wear, like I said just something about it.
Anyways I hope all my peeps are doing well and holding there heads up high!

*TAGGED*

Ok I got "tagged" and heres the deal about this:

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.


I got tagged by KEL

I going to tag:
Dying4Something2Live4
Lou
Mother Of A Drug Addict
BlankFrank
Babz
Victoria

Six Unspectacular Things About Me

1. I am very anal about my gear. I have everything color coordinated and when I take off my sneakers or boots I clean them up and put them in the box they came in.
I keep all my long sleeve shirts together, hoodies together and so on.

2. I love animals more then people. I'm sorry but people seem to always disappoint and just lately really fucking annoy me to no end.

3. I try to do a million things in one day. I start out my day thinking what I have to do and think about all things I am going to do but somehow I never get everything done. Out of 20 things I thought I could get done in the day I might only get 3-5 done if that.

4. I have OCD when it comes to keeping my hands clean, but I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning my house. I would rather pay someone then do it myself but I always end up doing it myself.

5. I love to watch COPS, or any kind of prison shows or anything of that nature but I cant stand cops and hate jail or prison & hate that i have close friend that are locked down.

6. I can do anything with a computer. I can make one from parts and I can fix anything that's wrong with any ones computer. One time my own computer crashed and it took me about 9hours to fix it but after I did what I did its now running like new.
People come to me asking me if I can fix there computers ( of course I charge them), people ask me to put music and videos on there MP3s or iPods but I don't do that for people anymore because they don't appreciate it so that's dead. I only do it for myself, Gypsy, or REALLY close friends.

Ok that's about it. Now to the people I tagged you better do it. If I took time out and did it so can you!
Stay Up!

Chon Chon?

Just wanted to let everyone know that I have not forgotten I have been "tagged" and I will get to it probably tonight.
I have been working very hard at my new job that I'm kinda digging.

I will update my blog asap.

Thanks to all my new "crew members" and I am hanging in there.

Sending some real Brooklyn loving to all!

Stay Up!

*RIP CHARLIE GIRL*

I have never felt more empty then I do right now.....

I'm not going to re-live it over but all I will say is my cat Charlie had to be put down tonight after something bad happened to her.
I feel like someone has a piece of my soul.
RIP my Charlie Girl you will be missed each & everyday..............

I don't really feel like blogging anymore but I feel I owe it to the people that read my shit to know whats going on since my last post which I believe I did yesterday? Wow I'm in a fucking fog.
Anyways Judy the woman that was arrested was taken to Rikers Island last night, I got a call from the husband Flip about an hour before I got a call from Judy in Rikers. Flip called me wanting to know if I could please call Rikers and find out any info on Judy that I could. He has a pre-paid phone and could only put 10 dollars worth on the phone so that if Judy could call him we would be able to get the call, and also that if the children could call him somehow or if ACS needed to get in touch with him.
I had no problem with making the calls for him and all I could find out was that her bail was $1000 and I got her ID#.
I called him and let him know that. Also told him that my phone is on 24/7 and if he needed me to call anyone for him to just let me know.
About an hour later I was on the bus going to my mothers house to do some laundry, and I was also sleeping over the night and my phone rang and it was Judy calling me from Rikers.
She wanted to give me her Food Stamp Card #'s & pin because she had the card on her and she wanted Flip to have them in case he needed to buy food, or cash stamps in for money.
To those that don't know there are stores that will take your food stamps and cash them in as if you bought something and give you cash back. Of course you don't get the full amount you only get 7 dollars for every 10 you give out.
So I wrote down what she wanted me to, and I asked her when she was going back to court and she said tomorrow.
She was upset that her kids were taken and found out from me that Flip was out of jail and he had the phone turned on.
So after like 2 more minutes of talking we got cut off & I called Flip and let him know everything she wanted me to tell him and also that she would be in court tomorrow.
He thanked me over & over, and again I told him no problem & to call if he needed anything. My last word to him were "go get your kids homie"!
Today I was bringing the laundry back home and then going to walk my dogs real quick and then head to my program.
As I was at my apartment with Gypsy Judy called me from her phone, she said that they let her go. She said she had a really great judge and that she didn't actually leave the store with the items so that played a big factor. I told her she had a fucking angel over her and she was 1 luck bitch! She asked if I could bring her a shirt because she was wearing them same one she had on and was going right to the program because she was sick as a dog.
I grabbed a black tee and headed to the program. I saw Judy, gave her the shirt and she told me after the program she was headed to court to see what she can do to get her kids back.

Since seeing her at the program she called me around 3pm and she was still in court waiting. I told her to call me to let me know what was going on.
I have not heard from her since. I don't know if she got her kids, if ACS still has them, or if they are trying to keep them from her and put them in permanent foster care.

So thats that for now, I'm going to try and keep my mind from racing and get some sleep.

Children Lost. Adult Losing It.

As I'm posting this I cant help but think about how horrible this situation is. What happened was the woman I have blogged about before has gone and done it again.
The women Judy went out and shoplifted and got caught. As of right now I think her kids were with her and that's the reason they have gone in the ACS system and for some reason they split them up. It is a 7 year old boy, and a 10 year old girl.
The father (sperm doner more like it) was also arrested the same fucking day for drinking a beer out in public. His name is Flip and he drinks beer like its fucking water.
They both are on the program, take pills, smoke crack, and do dope. They tell there kids that they steal to put food on the table but it all goes to drugs.
So the way I found out was her twin sister Joann called me and told me what happened. My first word to her were why don't you go and get them. "ohhh ummm I cant its a big thing and ummm I just cant"
After hearing this from her I wanted to rip her head threw the phone and beat her. Those are your sisters children, you TWIN SISTER and they NEED you NOW you selfish fuck!
Joann said she was waiting in the court room for both of them to be arraigned and was going to call me back and let me know what happened.
Judy has a long rap sheet of stealing and shoplifting and shes going to jail for sure its just a matter of how long shes going away for.
Another fucked up part of this is her older son Freddy is in Rikers right now and wont be coming home till February some time for also robbing someone.
What chance do these kids have? The young ones and the older son?
After I got off the phone with Joann I told Gypsy what the phone call was about and she saw I was upset, I have a soft spot in my heart for these kids. They always come and hug me when they see me, I let them listen to my iPod, or play with my PSP. I also put music on there MP3 players when they finally got there own little bullshit ones.
They hold my hand when we walk down the block, I play games with them. So its not like there just another 2 kids who have fucked up parents, I know them, I have love for them.
Gypsy was saying could we even go and get them and how would we care for them and trying to make sense of it all.
I just kept thinking that the girl is 10 years old and the boy is 7 and what if God Forbid someone tries to hurt them or touch them in a sexual way.
Where are they? Do they know whats going on?
My mind is racing as of now.

I cant help but feeling angry all the time. Not just because of this but other things that are going on in my life.
People on the program are trying there hardest to bring me down and keep me down.
People on the program come up to me and tell me gossip and every time I just stop them and let them know I don't care and I have my own problems, REAL problems!
I'm trying SO HARD to find legit work. I don't want to deal drugs and live like that anymore and it seems all I keep doing is hitting walls. The walls are getting thicker and thicker.
I feel like I don't have control on my life.
I feel like my insides are screaming.
I feel like if anyone says the wrong thing to me I'm going to see red and just fucking lose it.

I don't know anymore.......

To those that are reading this I ask of you to say a prayer for those kids.

Pop Off

You know sometimes I feel like in this vortex where I'm being sucked in by all the negative energy that's going on around me.
I REALLY trying to change and do the right thing. I wrote up a resume, made it really good. Gypsy helped me with a few things and its looking really good. I have answered a few ad's on Craigs list and also gone in person to a few places.
I'm at a point where I'm willing to do whatever is needed to make a steady paycheck and no be on the grind. Not have to look over my shoulder, not have to worry about the boys taking me down and sending me away for as much as they can.
Make a real life with my and Gypsy, something where she can know that I'm making money, doing the right thing, and we can rest easy at night.
However the reason I say I feel like I'm in a vortex is because no matter what time I go to the program, it can be early, it can be last minute I run into people who just have nothing going on for them and frankly they say there my friends but they don't give to fucking shits about me.
Who's smoking crack. Who is living with this one, and there all talking about shit about each other behind each others backs. Who's fucking this one behind his wife's back but I don't know how its behind her back when the whole program seems to know there fucking each others. Who only strikes up a conversation with me because they either want a favor like music on there stolen MP3 or to borrow money.
I get on the bus with my iPod blasting, and they still come up with me wanting to yack in my fucking ear about all this fucking bullshit that I could give two shits about.
I have always been a private person, my business is mine and not for everyone else to know and talk about and add what they feel like to the story. I don't go talk about my personal life with others, mainly these fucking lowlifes that thrive on the misery of others. So just because I don't tell everyone whats going on with me doesn't mean I don't have problems of my own.
I feel like the more I see them or talk to them, and the more I don't have my head right I'm going to either do something on impulse and it wont be good. I also feel like it has hardened me to a point where I don't even care about anyone but Gypsy, my mother, and my babies.
I feel like I have all this pent up frustration and I'm going to just fucking pop off at any minute.

BBQ & New Foster Dog!

We took in another foster dog this weekend. Labor Day we were going to a BBQ and the new foster was coming the same day.
A volunteer went and picked the dog up for us and got lost like for 2 hours the poor thing. Finally she was here. Her name is Maria but were thinking of new names for her. Any suggestions are always welcomed.
She is known as a "throw away mom". What that means is they mate the dog over and over and over and over until shes no good anymore and then just dump her out on the streets or kill them. Well Maria was lucky because she was found and rescued all in a weeks time. She was going to be put down tomorrow but because Gypsy and I took her in she will live.
This is so far the only pix I have of her but I will take some more of course. She is all brindle and poor girls nipples are practically dragging on the floor. Shes a total mush. All she wants is love and all she wants to do is give love.
When she first came I had Bandit and her meet outside and they got along right away. Started playing and grunting. I was so happy because you really never know until they meet face to face and its always a crap shoot with 2 pit bulls.
After walking them together for a few we brought them up to the house and Bandit was playing with her and showing her around and she went in ever room and sniffed her way around everything and was checking it out.
So shortly after getting her we were going to the BBQ which was walking distance. So we crated both Bandit and Maria and went.
Had a feast of food and practically rolled home because after dinner was ice cream floats for desert! YUMMY!
When we got back home I gave them a nice walk about a hour or so to get used to each other both inside the house as well as outside.
So far so good. I'm really loving on this one. She slept with me in the bed all last night and as I'm typing this she is sleeping at my feet. Every time I go to leave the house she wants to come with me and I know when its time to give her up its going to be hard. I just have to remember we saved her from death and gave her a new life. A life with good food, running space, and people that will love her and not just want her to make puppies then rip them from her and then sell them!
Anyways that was my Labor Day weekend hope everyone else had a good one as well!!

Trust Is Everything To Me

I was reading this blog tonight about a woman who found out her husband who she had been with for 20 years was cheating on her with hookers. To my knowledge there still together and trying to work it out.
I posted a comment letting her know how I feel and this is how I feel on the matter.
I feel that once my partner cheats on me that's IT, its DONE! Once they do it even once the trust is gone forever in my mind. I feel like if you want to go do something just tell me I might be up for it. Couples should have that communication where if they want to do something sexually then they should be able to come right out and tell there partner what exactly it is they want.
In the sex department I'm not boring so I don't feel like my partner should even do something behind my back to where they would need to or want to do something that I would do with them.
I have told Gypsy things I'm up for and things I'm not, and the things I'm not up for if she wanted to go and do them all I ask is that I be there to watch, now I don't think that's such a obscene agreement do you?
Most partners would say no way and if you want to go do this or that you wont be my partner when you do it. Or they will go behind there partners back and go do it anyway. Then what?
Then they might just go all out and do it all the time. They might not.
However the damage is done in my mind.
I don't know her post just got me thinking and how I feel on it and everything.
How do you feel on it?

"Crackie of Camden"

I'm sorry but what the FUCK is up with Amy Winehouse? Every picture I see of her she stoned, her hair is crazy. Looks like she hide her stem and rigs in there, and her fucking nails are DIRTY! I mean fucking nasty!
Here's a link to a site that I love its called "dlisted". It has all the latest news on just about everyone. Just check out the pictures of "Crackie" first!

Another Year Older. Another Man Released From Prison

Whats up my peoples? Just letting everyone know whats been going on with me the past few weeks or so since my last post.
This past Wednesday was my birthday. I turned 28 years old. Seems like I'm older from all the shit I done and all the shit I seen in my lifetime.
Gypsy got me 2 new pairs of Timberland boots, 4 shits, and we are going to go out to a movie and diner this weekend. 2 friends of mine from the program got me something as well which I was totally shocked at because they really don't have money to buy me anything. So of course she didn't buy it for me she went out and stole it but hey its the thought that counts right? One girl, Judy, got me a bottle of perfume, Charlie White by Revlon. The other girl, Joann got me a new DVD, The Hulk. I thought that was really cool of them to even part with shit they sell for money to give it to me for my Birthday! Judy and Joann are twin sisters and there Birthdays are on August 31st so I will of course get them a little something nice.
Joann's boyfriend of 6years just came home from doing 3 & a half years in prison for drug charges. He literally came home last night. I saw him today and he looked really good and I wished him nothing but the best and for him to try to stay out of trouble and not go back to that fucking shit hole!
Joann was doing really bad when he man went into prison, she beat her dope connect for money and couldn't get any work, then turned into a fucking crackhead of all things. She just went to the dentist to get her teeth taken out so she can have dentures put in.
Also being she was doing so bad she decided to have this couple Vicky & Kay come live with her to help her out. Seems only that they don't help her out and they treat her like shit. They leave in a car in the morning and don't even ask Joann to come along. Now there all going the same way so why not ask Joann to come along?
Yesterday Vicky knew that Joann's Boyfriend was coming home so she was trying to be all nice to Joann. She gave her money, bought cigarettes, new sheets for their bed and so on.
That's just her being the dope fiend that she is trying to get in good with the boyfriend making it like shes been doing this the whole time she was there and that's not the case.
Since I have known Vicky & Kay they have lived with other people and never had a place they can call there own. Now this is about 5 or 6 years I'm talking about. You would think they would just go into a shelter and in 6months or so they would have a place of there own that welfare would help pay for but no. For some reason they rather live with other people and leech off of them and then when it comes time for them to leave they always leave on bad terms.
Judy stole 2 MP3 players for her kids and she asked me to please put music on them for the kids, which I did. Then Joann came to me with a MP3 asking me to do the same, I did it for her as well. However today I put the word out that if anyone wants me to put music on there MP3, or iPod or whatever they have that I will charge them for it.
Because today I overheard someone saying that if they give me there MP3 that I will put music on it for them and they seem to think that its going to be free well they have a surprise coming to them.
If they were to go on Fulton Street and have it done there they charge 15 bucks each time, no matter if you put 1 or 100 songs on, 15 every time you have it done, and I think they charge more if you want movies put onto it.
So that's about it. I have also been spending more time with my mother. I slept over her house 2 times this week and after posting this and checking some emails I'm going there again tonight. She loves having me over and I enjoy spending time with her.
My mother and I have a great relationship and I am very grateful for that. She was the only one who didn't give up on me when I was at my worst with my addiction and I love her even more for that!
So to all my online peeps and bloggers out there keep your head up and Stay Up!
sKILLz

Where Are They Now?

Something about summer nights in Brooklyn that make me think about when I was growing up and was running wild, doing dumb shit and the people I used to hang with at the time. See summer in Brooklyn there was always something going on. Winters aren't much different but its just something about the heat, people being out all hours of the night, and just the smell in the air. It didn't matter if it was a weekend or a weekday there was always something to get into and most of the time it wasn't legal.
I used to hang out in Cooper projects alot and over there I caught alot of my "firsts". My first blunt, my first fight, my first time dropping acid, my first bag of dope and so on.
Everyday was like a new adventure. Everyday we were into some kind of trouble and it was fun because we felt like we were invincible of course. The crew I was hanging out with at the time was a few years older then me so they were into some heavy drugs and dealing. That's how I became addicted at such a young age. That's also where I met Ronnie. (RIP)
One guy who I used to hang out with who was dealing crack at the time had a mother who was addicted to crack and HIV positive as well. Only after 3 years of knowing him and his mother his mom passed away due to HIV and after that he went and became a crack addict as well and I just lost touch with him.
Another kid I used to hang out with his nickname was Flip. His mother was killed when a man tried to rob her and she only had like 30bucks and I guess that wasn't enough for him so he went and shot her killing right on the spot. Flip didn't even get to say goodbye.
Phillip was about the same age as me and man did he have shit on his plate. First off his father was a big time gangster/drug addict when the family was younger. He had 1 older sister and 1 younger sister. I hung out with the whole family really. They weren't far apart in age at all. The mother was on methadone for like 40years and she was HIV positive. All of the children became drug addicts. The sisters began selling themselves for drugs while Phil and I would go out robbing, stealing and selling drugs to provide for our habits. The mother died a slow and painful death as the children watched on helplessly. Sadly ALL of the children contracted HIV. The sisters got it from prostitution and Phillip got it from sharing needles from other junkies. I havent seen any of them in over 5 years.
Then there was Mike. Mike was another partner in crime with me. His father was an addict and died of and overdose. His mother worked her ass off to provide a good life for him his brother and sister. Mikes brother was always in and out of jail his whole life. I think hes locked of as of now doing a state bid. His sister had 2 children at an early age and smokes crack.
Mike became a heroin addict and we used to hustle together and get high together as well. I have tried to contact him several times and nothing since. Last I heard of Mike he was on a methadone program and he was working and doing really good. If thats true and a really hope it is I wish him nothing but the best.
These are just some of the people that come to my mind right now. I always wonder who they are, where they are, what there doing and if there even still alive. Do they think of me? What memories come to mind when they do? Well to the ones I just mentioned and all the others you are always in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but the best!
Stay Up!

Is It The Heat?

I don't know what it is lately but I feel like I'm just going to snap. Today on the bus going to my program there was fucking mayhem. As soon as Gypsy and I stepped onto the bus there was this Spanish guy fighting with the driver of the bus. What they were fighting about I wasn't too clear on. The Spanish guy says to the driver that he was "going to punch him in the face". As soon as he said that the driver stopped the bus and got on the phone calling the cops saying he had just bee threatened. He told the Spanish guy that if he didn't get off the bus that everyone else had to get off.
Now who's yelling at the Spanish guy, who's yelling at the driver and still the bus is parked and not moving. The Spanish guy buts his losses and gets off the bus.
After that some black lady with her little boy and husband who seemed to be a little slow to everyone started yelling at the driver saying that he "was going to Hell". As she yelling at the driver another black girl a little younger started yelling at the slow girl. Saying "this is my hood" and "they know me in the bookings". The slow black girl was getting off the bus at her stop and keep telling the other girl to get off the bus and fight her. The black girl was saying some shit like "fuck you, you methadone bitch". Now first off the girl wasn't even on the program she was just a little crazy and slow and raggy like, but if you ask me if the other girl would have got off the bus she would have gotten her ass beat!
Now Gypsy starts yelling at the black girl saying "don't go categorizing people that are in the program because not all of them are alike" I was waiting for the black girl to say something to Gypsy because honestly I don't know what would have happened. I don't know if I would have been able to control myself or not.
The black girl did not say a word and got off on the next stop.
As we pulled up to the Ikea and about 10 people got off I screamed "next time take the free fucking shuttle bus to Ikea"!
Ahhhh what a fucking day and its not over yet.........
Stay Up!

FUCK IKEA!

So they finally opened up the new Ikea in Red Hook. It opened up on June 18Th and since then the bus route I take has been fucked and packed with people going to the Ikea.
Now I don't understand as to why they get on my bus when all they have to do is wait and a FREE shuttle bus will take them right to the Ikea without stopping.
The first day it opened the bus drivers were so fed up with people asking them "does this bus go to Ikea"?.
Now it seems like they not only ask the drivers but they ask anyone who is getting on the B77 bus as well.
Everyday I try to get out earlier and earlier and yet it seems like the bus takes forever to come and when it finally does come the bus is so packed with people you can forget about a seat, your lucky if you can even get on the fucking thing.
Yeah I guess I'm just venting because this Ikea has made it so that now I REALLY hate going there. I mean I hated it before but now it makes the trip even more miserable to go on.
They keep saying there going to put more buses on the route to accommodate all the people,and the rush of people that take this bus and not the free shuttle. So far I have not seen a change!
Also you have people that go to the program and because they don't want to pay they jump on the free shuttle bus.
Do you really think that they want those fucking kinda people on that bus? When first off there not shopping at Ikea, there loud, there dirty, and just plain fucking nasty.
How long will it be before there taking pills on the bus, fighting, or selling drugs if there not doing it already because they don't give a fuck anyway.
I just need to get away from this shit....................Till Next time Homies!
Stay Up!

Out With The Old & In With The New

I didn't realize its been so long since I last made a post on here.

Lets see whats been going on in my life........

Were STILL doing major work on our apartment. Were getting new floors and were looking at paint shades to choose for each room. Were doing mostly all the work ourselves because the landlord doesn't really want to pay for anything because Gypsy own her apartment.
The easiest way I can explain it to people is its basically like shes rent control so she pays like a monthly fee which is cheaper then what the rent should be for this apartment in this area and for the amount of room we have. (The whole 2nd floor).
So the landlord feels like she should pay for certain thing when legally she doesn't have to. So we have been paying for things ourselves and just taking it off the monthly fee.
Our new beds are coming tomorrow and I can't fucking WAIT! Were getting a queen bed for us and then a twin bed that were putting in the living room and setting up as a day bed / couch.
Our hallway was a filthy mess for 2 months and I finally just couldn't take it anymore so I cleaned it. 2days after cleaning it I come home to a hallway filled to the top with garbage and broken up shit, and old beds and old rugs. Gypsy went in the hallway to tell the fucking pig Mexicans that live upstairs to stop putting there shit there and throwing shit there. Gypsy was pointing at the Mexicans wife and the wife took Gypsy's finger and twisted it.
Gypsy then told the husband to tell her wife to keep her fucking hands to herself because next time she will rip her neck off.
I was in the ambulance with my friend Gremlin because his sugar was too low and he was having a attack. When I came back up and she told me what happened I was getting ready to leave for a block party that Lisa was having by her moms house in Brooklyn I opened the door to 2 cops standing there wanting to talk to Gypsy about the encounter with the Mexican wife.

Now the Mexican cunt told the cops that Gypsy said she would get her dog to attack her when you ALL know she would never do that seeing that we do animal rescue and that's just fucking INSANE!
Make a long story short the cops took the report and left. Why do we have such pigs in our building? Why do people feel comfortable living in such filth?
I don't know and I don't want to know I just don't want that shit in my house! Were trying to get everything new and everything redone so that its going to look really fucking good and make us feel good when we come home to a nice clean new apartment.

We took Harley, our ShitZu, to get spayed on Saturday. We took him to the ASPCA Mobile Van that comes around once a month. He got his 3 yearly shots, his nails trimmed, and spayed for 7 dollars! How fucking cool is that?! So there is NO REASON for people to not have spayed there dog or cat!
When he was done he was still a little groggy but other then that hes doing fine and healing well. Bandit must sense that something is up because hes not fucking with him like normal.

Other then all that going on with us it seems like the same old same old with everyone else that we come in contact with at my program.
Still grimy, still not working, still begging, still envious, and still talking shit!
Fuck em! Were doing us and were going to keep on doing us!

Thanks to everyone that sends me love on here as well as emails.

From The Hospital To Harlem

First off sorry to those who read me on the regular. I know I should be posting more
often it's just that sometimes I either don't know how to get what I want to say out,
or what I'm trying to say doesn't come out right at ALL. I'm sure other bloggers
have the same problem right guys?!!?

Here's the lowdown, we are re-doing the whole apartment and I mean everything.
Out with the old and in with the new. I got a job, yes a real one, and I'm actually working
on getting a second one. So why not get things we not only need but want if we can?
See thats one thing about me, I might love to get high but I know when to draw
the fucking line and make sure the bills are paid and things get done. 
Gypsy and I just went to SLEEPYS and got a queen bed, a Tempur-Pedic, that feels like HEAVEN! I cant wait till everything is ready and we get it. You KNOW were going to
brake that fucker in!

Seems like people at our program are jealous because Gypsy and myself work,
and spend money on things we need and want.
See here's the thing the people I speak of now are fucking lowlifes and swear that they
are either better then most or they have class when they simply don't.
Of course I like getting high, but I like to pay my bills first, then get something for Gypsy, and myself. Of course I have to stay fly and then get high. With them its whatever money they
get they go and spend it on drugs. Dope, Crack, Pills, fucking whatever. Then when that money
runs out they just go out and steal something else sell it and do the whole thing over again.
Or they will come over to me or Gypsy and ask to borrow money because they spent
everything and now they don't have money for dog food. I'm sorry but if you had 100
yesterday theres no reason for you not to have dog food for the fucking week,
let alone the next day. Correct?


My good friend Lisa is back in the hospital so me and my homeboy Gremlin have
been going to see her everyday and also last week Gypsy and I got her to adopt
a cat from us. 6 days after getting the cat she goes into the hospital.
So we have been going to Harlem to
check on him, his name is BUSTER, I will post some pix up of him at a later time.
hopefully she will be getting out of the hospital this Monday so I really hope she does because I know being in the hospital and being sick sucks fucking stank ass balls. 

So that's just whats been going on over here. I'm still alive and kicking and to the one who's really care you have my email and don't be shy. I check it everyday, many times a day on my phone.

The Ritual

I would try to stay sleeping as long as I could. Then it came a point where I couldn't sleep any longer and I was beginning to get so dope sick I needed to get out of the bed and get well. I was
still living with my mother at this time so I had all and any drug shit stashed where she couldn't find them. I would get my kit and head right for the bathroom. Only when it was early morning when my mother was still sleeping would I stay in my room and get well, but most times I went
in the bathroom.
Once in the bathroom the ritual began. Taking out the needle, spoon, tie, cotton, and of course
the bags of dope. 
I would try to be as quiet as I could opening the bags and emptying them into the spoon.
Then once they were on in the spoon I would add the water. Mixing it and sucking it up into the needle were all part of the ritual.
Toward the end I needed 4 or 5 bags just to get well in the morning just so I could function and shower and brush my teeth. Sometimes I would have such a hard time finding a vein that it
would take me almost 30Min's just to get off. The needle would be filled almost to the top with blood and dope and I keep poking myself because I refused to skin it. I needed to get it right in, and see the blood.
Then once I got it, I would feel the warm rush inside my body and felt myself getting better. Suddenly any troubles I was thinking about slipped away even if it is only for that moment. Any and all pain is totally gone. Now the only thing I'm feeling is a warm comforting blanket all over my body. Its an amazing feeling, and I do love that feeling oh so much.

I Have Faith!

I honestly don't know where to begin. First off let me say sorry for not posting on the regular
here but all my close online peeps know whats been going on and I have been having mad
stress in my life.
Yes this is a great outlet for me to let it go and put my frustration outside of my mind of only for
a quick minute. However I feel somethings I shouldn't be putting out there for all and anyone to read.
Anyways I'm going to give everyone a lil bit about whats going on in my life.
Today I had court in Brooklyn and I honestly do not think its going good at all. I am out on 2
bails, for 2 different cases.
This case that I went for today it seems like the DA wants to take it to trial and theres no offer
as of yet. Now I know that if this goes to trial I have a strong possibility of doing some kind of
time. Not time in the sense I will have grey hairs when I come out but to me 1 day behind bars to too many!
Those that have been will feel me on that one!
I feel helpless for some reason even tho I know I can fight it and have my side of the story and I honestly feel like I'm not in the wrong, but that's a whole other topic.
I'm looking for some legit work and it seems like every door I think is going to open doesnt and it shuts on me.
However I'm not giving up and I'm keep on trucking!
I mean fuck, I'm going to be 28 this August. August 13Th for those that want to get me a gift (LOL).
I don't want to be running the streets and have my family and wife worrying about me if I'm coming home or not, if I'm getting into some kind of beef, or if some crackhead is going to try
to rob my fucking earnings. Yes I have sold drugs since I was young and if I wanted I could go
to one of my old connects and get something to sell right fucking now but like I said I just don't
fucking want that anymore. I want a "normal" life with my wife and our babies. Right now it
seems like something keeps getting in my way and the walls are getting higher and higher.
Other then all this shit that's going on Gypsy and I are thinking about taking in another dog and trying to save another one. Bandit is a dominant male and we cannot have another male in the house without some kind of static but we have been pretty lucky and I have faith that
whichever dog we take in next we will be able to work it out.
To all my real peeps I'm here and you know how to get at me so get at me whenever you can!
Stay Up!!

Content (Update)

This is a update on the blog I posted not too long ago titled "Bound To Happen".
The mother of the child, Judy, was sentenced to Rikers Island for 20 days and already has completed her time. Her daughter that was with her was taken from her and kept in custody
until her father came and gave a clean urine to them and showed he wasn't using drugs. Now
was it his urine that he gave I highly doubt that because he uses everything from beer to pills to crack. Either way he gave a clean urine and got the little girl back. She spent I believe 2 nights in there custody.
Since then I have seen Judy and it seems like nothing has changed with her. You think having
your child taken from you and sent to some strange facility would be enough for her to want to straighten her life out.
This past week we had to give Mazzy up for adoption. We found her a great family with a great home in Long Island and shes going to live a great life till the end of her days. When I had to give her up I felt as if I was giving up one of my children and it killed me to do so even though I knew she was going to a great home with a family that's going to give her the world.
Now you would think a mother who gave birth to this child would feel the same way and want to change things in her life so that something like that would never happen again but I guess not.
I saw her just yesterday and there she was dragging the little girl everywhere in the hood
trying to sell the few things she had stolen from the stores.
Seems to me like nothing has changed in her life and she either doesnt give a fuck about her
kids or shes just so used to living the life she has lived for over 30years that shes content with
how her life is going

"Hope"

I was going into The south side of Williamsburg to go and cop something. I already called my connect to make sure that he was there and that I didn't make the trip to wait or for nothing.
After I got out of the train and walked a few blocks I noticed in one of the alleyways there was a stray cat. I saw her and she looked just like one of my cats, Nila.
She was all tan with a all black tail and she had blue eyes. I said to myself after I cop
I will get some food and put it out for her. I looked down and saw 2 other plates so someone was feeding her as well. Then I rethought and said let me feed her now being shes here. So
I ran to the corner store and got some food for her, and ran back and put it down fro her. I started calling her "Hope" because that's the name of the street I found her on.
When I put the food down I backed away and saw she started eating it. I left her there with the food and said if she comes to me on the way back then maybe I can save her.
So I proceeded to go see my connect. Now as I'm going to cop off him I'm not the only one there was 3 other people who came in behind me.
So I go in, he served me first, I stashed it away and then left. I was in the building for about 3minutes.
So I started walking back the same way I came to go and check out Hope. I get to the alleyway where I saw her and being it was nighttime I couldn't see to well. So I took out my flashlight and
started looking for her and calling out to her. The next thing I hear in a mans voice is
"what are you doing", now I thought it was either the super or the landlord maybe even
a tenant in the building. I picked my head up and the it was a white man holding a gold shield.
He was with a Spanish man and they were both under covers.
I explained to him that I do animal rescue & I'm trying to save this cat for the past week.
I showed him all the empty dishes that were on the ground and said I had put them all there
and I was taking care of her.
He asked me if I had anything on me that I'm not supposed to have, I replied with
"the only thing you will find on me is pepper spray and a pocket knife. "Why do you carry the pepper spray" he asked.
I explained to him that I go into areas where they fight pit bulls and I'm also a female
who rides the trains late at night and I will not become a victim.
He asked if I had ID, I said yes and I went toward my wallet to give them my wallet.
They got a little excited and said please don't make any moves like that. After he said
that to me I stood with my hands up and they asked to check me and my pocket and shit.
I said yes go right ahead you find anything on me.
He asked me where I was coming from and I told him that I used to live in this area
and I know alot of people here. I said that someone came up to me and told me that there
was a dog tied up to a radiator and his bones were stinking out and I went into the building that they pointed out to me and I went to check it out.
He asked why didn't I call the Animal Control first. I told them that if they take him he
will get put got or put on the euth list, and I have the authority to take them in and foster
them out to people in order to save them from being put down.
The under covers said the building you were in is a known drug spot and that's why I was being stopped. I said to them "I don't deny that I did go in the building but I wanted to check and
see if there was a dog in there and if he was alive or dead or what".
One of the cops said "OH we KNOW you went into the building but we wanted to make sure you weren't doing anything you should be".
After that the white cop then asked if he could check around my waistline, I said no problem
he felt around my waist and felt my cellphone holder and where I hang my flashlight. He asked what it was and I told him, he said do you mind if I lift your shirt because it feels like a gun.
I said no problem the only thing your going to see is my sexy tummy. They laughed and then
saw it was nothing. After that they gave me back all my stuff that they had taken out of my pockets and said sorry for stopping you.
I said no problem I know your just doing your job its all good.
Now a few things that I think saved me were that I knew the lingo as far as rescuing animals and I also had my ACC volunteer card on me which they saw.
I was dressed fly (as always). I had on brand new all white uptowns, I had on all my jewelry, my gold chain and crucifix, my gold earrings, and my fathers pinkie ring which is worth alot,
at least I got something from the fucker right?! I had my iPod Touch on me and I also had on a $300 Harley Davidson leather vest.
So they saw I wasn't a bummed out "junkie" like that. Also one of the biggest things that I think saved me was the cat Hope and  the food I put down for her and the other plates that were there.
So I dodged a bullet big time.

Bound To Happen

A so called homegirl of mine from the program got popped for shoplifting. Her name is Judy and she has a twin sister Joann and
there known for boosting, been doing it for YEARS! Now when she got caught this past Saturday she had her daughter with her. The little girl is no more than 11 years old and already she knows how to boost.
The mother (if you want to call her that) shows her what to take from the stores, how to
take, to be a lookout and that its only ok when you do it with me because were stealing to get money to eat for the family is what she tells the daughter.
She also has a son who is about 5 or 6 years old she also takes him into the stores with her
to steal.
Her husband also drags the kids around stealing in the stores and God forbid they take
something without the parents telling them then they will get in trouble because they
weren't told to take it for the family to eat.
Meanwhile its not for the family to eat its for the mother and father to smoke crack,
shoot dope, do pills and drink beer.
The mother already has a ACS case pending, and they arrested her this time they took the daughter from her.
Now in my opinion I mean I know the mother and father are not the best thing going for her but that's all she knows. God forbid she gets put into a home where the people abuse her sexually or physically or even mentally?! Then what? What kind of chance does this little girl have? What kind of chance does the son have? Everyday they see things that little kids should not be seeing. Everyday in the summer when they don't have school they drag them everywhere till all hours of the night. They don't go to school everyday and of course there happy with that cause no kid really wants to go to school.
Last summer the kids would see me everyday and every time he would see me I would either have my iPod or my PSP so of course they wanted to use it. They don't have anything like that and if they do get it,
 it gets sold not too much longer.
So I would let them use it and share it, 2 songs for him and then 2songs for you I would say.
The mother has a older son about 20 and hes already a known thief, and dope fiend.
So again that's just another example of what kind of chances do these kids have? I feel bad for Judy for getting locked up and loosing her little girl but I mean how long can you do
something and not expect to get caught out there? Whats it going to take for you to understand that you already have a case going, your worker is on your ass and then your going to
take the kids out with you while you go boosting and copping drugs?
If you pray or have a higher power please say a prayer that the little girl is ok and that no harm comes to her.

Renting Space

Here we are at the start of another week. I have seen the bitches pretty much everyday since what happened and its like I'm the topic of everyones conversation.
Today Gypsy and I were coming out of McDonald's after having lunch there and the lil
crew was standing outside. The only reason they didn't come inside was because they only spend there money on pills and crack. They never spend there money on anything for themselves such as new boots or a new coat, or whatever just something new you know what I mean. They
would rather spend it on crack and pills. So anyway we came out and the first words I hear were this bitch saying something like "Well I fought her cause she fucked with my friend". So after hearing that I laughed out loud a lil bit and turned to Gypsy and said "Baby I love the fact that
I'm the talk of the town, they wake up with me on there minds and they go to sleep with me on there minds as well".
As soon as I said that they all stopped talking and one bitch who is going around telling people
shes going stab me shot me a dirty look and I returned it right back.
Gypsy and I lit our cigs and proceeded to walk to the bus stop down the block. Its obvious that they have nothing going on in there lives to be talking about shit that happened over a week ago. Most of them either live at home with there parents, and mind you all of them are above the
age of 40, or they live in a shelter or there homeless. One of them is a known crackhead hooker. She sells herself for crack and low amounts of money.
She confronted me last week I think and wanted me to fight her, I told her I have shit to l
ose, she said to me "oh please what you got to lose" I said to her "a family, a apartment, my animals, and people to care about me to name a few things. You know shit you don't have"
She didn't know how to respond to that one.
Its just this crazy shit that's going on right now at my program, and it seems the gossip has
made it to the 2 other programs in the area. Do I rent that much space in your head that you keep talking about me?
Like I said in another post I have shit to lose and I value my freedom. I like being able to come home and do whatever I please. not having to watch my back while in the shower. Now
having to worry while I'm eating is someone going threw my shit trying to steal it.
So let them talk all the shit they want about me, right now I just bite my tongue and keep it moving.

Easter Sunday Gypsy and I went to an Animal Shelter in Williamsburg Brooklyn. All we
did was help out walking the dogs. We were there for a few hours and then afterwards we went
out to an early dinner. We came home and stayed together for the rest of the Sunday
mostly in bed with our lil monsters.
I hope everyone else has a good Easter and a great weekend. Till next time.......

Karma Doesnt Sleep!

Being able to come home and jump into your own bed, being able to pick up the phone
and call who you want, being able to smoke, being able to go outside and get fresh air. These are just some of the simple things that you might take advantage of everyday. When your locked up you cant do these things when you want or some of them at all.
Your life can change in a second. Something you do that only takes a few seconds can
change your life FOREVER. This is something that makes me think long and hard now before acting without thinking.
Before I would react without blinking an eye. If you got in my face I wouldn't even think twice about smashing your face in or even trying to really hurt you. Now when someone gets into my face I try my best to just walk away. I have things I can lose. I have a family that cares about me, I have animals that need me to take care of them, and I have people in my life that love and care for me. Oh course if someone comes at me I'm going to defend myself but I act nothing like what I used to before I got a taste of having my freedom taken away from me.
Bottom line think before you act. Think if its REALLY worth having your freedom taken
away from you. When you belong to the state your nothing but a number, you have no fucking rights, don't believe all that bullshit, they treat you like shit and that's the ones that are
there to "protect you". That's not even mentioning the other prisoners that will test you every chance they get.
You might be going in for something simple and because someone tested you or tried to take something from you, your now going to spend years of your life in a fucking rat hole.
So stay up, stay calm and think before you act. Remember what goes around comes around and Karma doesn't sleep!