You know sometimes I feel like in this vortex where I'm being sucked in by all the negative energy that's going on around me.
I REALLY trying to change and do the right thing. I wrote up a resume, made it really good. Gypsy helped me with a few things and its looking really good. I have answered a few ad's on Craigs list and also gone in person to a few places.
I'm at a point where I'm willing to do whatever is needed to make a steady paycheck and no be on the grind. Not have to look over my shoulder, not have to worry about the boys taking me down and sending me away for as much as they can.
Make a real life with my and Gypsy, something where she can know that I'm making money, doing the right thing, and we can rest easy at night.
However the reason I say I feel like I'm in a vortex is because no matter what time I go to the program, it can be early, it can be last minute I run into people who just have nothing going on for them and frankly they say there my friends but they don't give to fucking shits about me.
Who's smoking crack. Who is living with this one, and there all talking about shit about each other behind each others backs. Who's fucking this one behind his wife's back but I don't know how its behind her back when the whole program seems to know there fucking each others. Who only strikes up a conversation with me because they either want a favor like music on there stolen MP3 or to borrow money.
I get on the bus with my iPod blasting, and they still come up with me wanting to yack in my fucking ear about all this fucking bullshit that I could give two shits about.
I have always been a private person, my business is mine and not for everyone else to know and talk about and add what they feel like to the story. I don't go talk about my personal life with others, mainly these fucking lowlifes that thrive on the misery of others. So just because I don't tell everyone whats going on with me doesn't mean I don't have problems of my own.
I feel like the more I see them or talk to them, and the more I don't have my head right I'm going to either do something on impulse and it wont be good. I also feel like it has hardened me to a point where I don't even care about anyone but Gypsy, my mother, and my babies.
I feel like I have all this pent up frustration and I'm going to just fucking pop off at any minute.
2 comments:
Girl, You are so close. So fucking close. You're seeing how the oold life is just filled with people you probably cared about at one time but now they have gone over that edge, and have become typical boring nothing to talk about but bullshit people. Please keep up the good work on bettering yourself. I only hope the best for you and Gypsy and the doggies;
Love Ya Sis
I know what you mean, especially when you talk about running into negative people at the clinic. Everytime I go into the clinic in the morning, there are always a few people that I've known, and they always are talking about shit, or trying to get me to throw down to score. It's hard to stay away from drugs and the people who use them, when it's in your face everyday.
My advice to you would be to not associate with any of those people. Fuck em. What have they ever done for you, to make them a real "friend" to you? They aren't going to do anything but try and bring you down. You already know that you're so much better then them. Don't worry. Soon, this will all be in the past.
Oh, and about your last entry... Maria is such a cute doggy! I'm so happy that you're taking her in and helping her. To me, she looks like a "Cocoa" or a "Kimber." Those names are probably too girly for you though, haha :)
Tori ♥
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