Whats The Reason?

I was about 16 years old and heavy into the drug game by now. I was shooting dope, and smoking crack. I was also smoking weed, and on the weekends when I went out with my friends I would do sniff coke, take Ecstasy & Ketamine I was a garbage head really. Not everyone in the crew knew I was smoking crack and shooting dope. They thought I only did it once and awhile and didn't know I had a habit and was on a mission.
Anyways here I am a 16 year old female thinking I can take on the world. I was always the "tomboy" type. I always knew I liked females in a sexual way so I always ran with the boys and that made me all the more tough. I made my money with my running partner who was a man named Shabazz. When I met him I was 15 and he was 36, he had just come home from doing a 9 year bid in a max prison.
We clicked right away, and he didn't want to get into my pants, he saw I was about my money and I liked to get high and he was the same way. He always got money, stayed fly and was able to get high. Of course we had our bad days but what addict doesn't. The point I'm trying to make is Bazz was good to me and he took my under his wing and looked at me like a little sister.
So everyday we would meet up if we didn't break night together, and plan how we would make our money and what we were going to take off in order to "get this money".
One day he tells me he has something set up and all I have to do is lookout and were paid.
He was going to take off a number spot/weed spot with another guy and all I had to do is lookout, and make sure no one came inside while they did what needed to be done.
So we went over it and over it and the time came....
Bazz and his homeboy went in and I stood outside the door like I was told to do.
I could hear people screaming and loud noises coming from inside but I tried to block it out and stay on point with what I had to do.
What seemed like forever was only 2 minutes if that and Bazz and his homeboy came out with bags that held cash & weed.
We got in the car and drove away, all of us happy and trying to keep our cool and make sure no one was following us..
We went into his homeboys apartment, and split up the goods. His homeboy was arguing with Bazz over the fact that I shouldn't get as much as I was because they did most of the work and if anything happened they were the ones that were going down for it.
Well after a few heated words Bazz made sure I got my fair cut and we went right to the 24 hour spot on Humbolt that sold both crack and dope and Bazz and I loaded up and we went and got a hotel room and partied.
Right after it happened the word was out that the spot had gotten stuck up and they were putting word out that if anyone knew anything they would give cash money to any info.
Bazz told me not to worry, that as long as none of us talked we would be in the clear and I knew I wasn't saying anything and I knew he wasn't either, and neither was his homeboy.
A few days later I was going to cop dope at Da Spot. After I got my shit I headed over to this shooting gallery that all the junkies knew of and went to, as long as you had something for "Dud" (That was the dudes nickname) then you can go in and do your shit and relax, or smoke and get all cracked out.
So I went inside and right away I got a bad feeling but just dismissed it. I was doing my first shot of the day so I was just getting off "E", in other words I was taking the dope sickness away and not really getting high just yet.
After I did my shit I smoked a cigarette and was getting ready to leave when this crackhead pulled out a gun on me.
He was cracked out of his mind and he was saying that I had money and I was going to give it up or he was going to kill me.
Let me tell you something it is a strange feeling having a gun pointed right at your face. I mean to the point where you can look right down the barrel.
I told him I didn't have shit and I was just getting off "e" and I was going out to hustle in order not to be sick later on.
Of course I was lying and had the money stashed in my shoe but even with a loaded gun in my face I wasn't giving up my fucking money. Shit I took the risk and here was this nigga pulling a gun on me and just taking it? (Meanwhile that's how I got mine but fuck it).
After a few choice words and screaming back and forth he pulled the trigger and the gun did go off, matter of fact it went off right by my ear and I lost most of my hearing in that ear but it didn't touch me. I don't know if it backfired or the bullet was a blank. To this day I still don't know.
Lou posted about the movie American Beauty when the guy gets shot in the head his life flashes before his eyes. When the gun went off none of that happened to me. I didn't think of my family, friends, good times, or bad times, I was simply blank.
Maybe it wasn't my time and that's why that didn't happen to me? Maybe when it really is my time to go I will see all that? Who knows?
What I do know is I'm still here and still getting high and taking chances. I'm not taking chances like I was, shit nothing like I used to.
I would certainly like to think that gun missed for a reason.....