I didn't even open my eyes and I can feel the chills running down my spine. It feels like a cool spring breeze flowing threw the sleeves of your t-shirt, only these chills carry pain.
I would try to lay there as long as I could take it. I did this because I knew once I woke the day started and I was off to somewhat of a routine.
A routine that consisted of pricking myself with needles, stealing from stores, sometimes people, and most of all exhausting my soul more and more each day.
Some days I wanted to do it and the days I felt like not doing it I didn't have a choice because my body wouldn't let me do normal things unless that poison ran threw my veins.
In order to do simple things such as spend a nice BBQ with friend or family, or both I had to make sure I had plenty of poison in me and for me.
So many times I secretly wished that I would be putting too much and it would kill me.
It killed me all right. It killed me sluggishly, and made my soul wither away prick after prick, and night after night.
I tried to strain the poison from my body time after time, so many I lost count. It seemed that even after the poison was out of my body it was still in my mind. Still there whispering to me lies and promises.
Even after jail, and pain caused to my mother and my friends I still went back.
Today I still fight with that whisper, that poison, those chills.
I do not wish this on my worst enemy.
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15 comments:
(((hugs))))
Agreed, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It's been a long time, but I don't forget, still.
It sounds so horrible
I love you, sKILLz. I understand it is a daily battle to remain drug free. I admire your strength.
SB
Hugs back at you Fractal!
Pat I could be clean for 1000 years I would NEVER forget it!!
It's all true, it's all sad.
You keep it together better than some, but I'm hoping for the day when you are alive and content without having to use anything to make you feel that way.
DAD & MOM:
Yes it is horrible.
It is a feeling that stays with me day in and day out....
Stay UP
SB:
Yes it is a daily struggle and sometimes I have to take it hour by hour and even sometimes minute by minute, whatever it takes!
Stay UP!
LOU:
Yes I try my hardest to keep it together.
I have my days where I'm a mess but I don't let anyone see me like that.
Only time I'm totally fucked up is when I am home and I am in a safe at
environment you know?
VERY HAPPY for Andrew!
Stay Up!
I don't know the disease of addiction to drugs but to feelings, I do. I had to take it 5 minutes at a time. It helped me to say the Serenity Prayer over and over. And to talk to my sponsor. Hang in there.
Love this post. You put into words beautifully.
Lots of Love to you
AG
XXX
SYD:
Thanks! Sometimes it helps saying the prayer over and over.
Everything works different for different people.
ANNA:
Thanks for the comment. I tried to put more effort into this post then most of my normal posts.
People say I have a way with words and I think I do. I just have to get over a block that I get sometimes and then I think I can write very well.
Stay Up!
If ya just need to talk, email me and I'll send you my new ph.#.
Ya have to know if anybody knows what you're going through, I do. You've seen me at my worst, walking the edge of the pits of hell. I'd hold your hand if you needed me to.
I will always be here for you and Gypsy. I may be 100's of miles away but not really.
Love Ya Sis
Babz:
Thank for that! It means alot to me!
You know I always got your back as well!
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