Its been 7years and counting. I look just like him so how can he not think of me?
How can he speak to my brother, and sister and not me? Am I that bad? Did I disappoint him that much?
But he drank, he gambled, he knew addiction well.
He would come home loaded, and I would know right away what kind of mood he was in within the first 2min. He was in a good mood if he won money, and a bad one if he lost money and I'm not talking about little amounts either. He didn't know how to bet little amounts just like he didn't know how to drink little amounts of alcohol. Just like I don't know how to take one shot or one toke or one pill.
I can remember it like it was yesterday he was living at my mothers home at this point in time. My mother didn't even speak to him, she made him sleep on the love seat in her room. Sometimes he would just sleep on the floor because it was more comfortable for him then the seat. Of course we weren't speaking either. My brother was living in the downstairs apt. with his wife and my nephew who i love to death! 7:30pm time for the NY lotto numbers to be drawn. 4848 was his and that's how it came out. Of course he had good money on the and he hit big. He hit the number for
about 20,000. He asked my brother wife to cash the ticket for him because he couldn't. He owed money out and of course he didn't want any being taken from him. He gave her money for cashing the ticket. He gave about 3grand to by brother and about 3grand to my sister. Me and my mother knew he hit the number and was waiting for him to say something, anything, just be honest. We didn't want anything from him. For the next 3 days my mother asked him and every single time he denied it every single time! Finally she got my brother to confess and his wife to confess. I mean your living under her roof for free not paying a dam bill and you cant even be honest with the woman?!
Well once it was confirmed she confronted my father. I think it was the first time they had spoken to each other in months and of course it was to fight.
Well he said he was going to take me shopping because he didn't want to give me any cash, and that he refused to give her anything.
Last straw I guess because she said "take your things and get the fuck out". Well in his mind he thought he will do as he wanted and said in return "I will leave when I'm ready" "No you leave NOW, take whatever you have cause you are NEVER coming back" So he went and packed his shit for the 100th time and my brother drove him to a hotel in the area.
The very next day I was walking in my mothers area close to the house and I saw him walking down the block. We were on the same side of the street. Honestly in my head I thought he wanted to say something to me. I thought he was going to maybe say sorry or even if he was going to blame me and say it was all my fault I would have been ok with that, at least he said something right? No, he passed me, looked right at me and kept on walking. That was the last time I ever saw him......
5 comments:
Livin on the edge. That was some fucked up shit, really. Now, you've gotta let go and let God deal with it. Seriously, you can't hold it in, you gotta let it out, let it go and him. Pray that he'll find his bottom, hopefully sooner than later. You've gotta be a bit selfish, in recovery. You gotta think of yourself and your own well being and do whatever it takes to stay that way. Be good to yourself cause if you don't or can't nobody will give a shit. Stand up straight, stand tall and be good to yourself.
Thanks hunny.
I have let it go. I write about it because it helps ME get threw it.
Its HIS loss not mine. Maybe when hes on his death bed he will ask for me who knows?!
Skillz, glad to hear it's not eating you. Working through shit, writing about it, is the best thing, I think. That's why I started blogging, 4 years and several blogs ago.
thanks for the support! I have always written and just now taking that leap and posting it for the world to see!
It's cathartic. My old blogs are gone, the only one left, fresh from prison is Bitchin & Stuff. I can look back and see, how I've grown but it's not been easy and I don't fake the funk, I ain't got my shit together. I just keep trying, that's all you can do.
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