Vacancy In Brooklyn

So much has been going on this past month. It feels like I haven't posted in forever. I'm going to try to give everyone the short version and not make this a long ass post.
Just seems to me like there aren't enough hours in a day...

One of my mothers apartments in our home is vacant and needed some repairs before being able to get rented.
So my brother has been doing the heavy work, and some plumbing as well. I agreed to do the painting, and cleaning and I also agreed to help him with anything he needed me for.
Me and him are not getting along, however I am only doing this for my mother.

So this week I went over there and painted for 2 days straight. I woke up on Tuesday early and went to my program, then right to my mothers.
I got there around 10am and didn't stop till about 11pm. Of course I took a break to eat, and smoke here and there but other then that I was like a robot.
I was so beat I just stayed over my mothers house, and then woke up early again the next day and did it again.
I finished the painting around 6pm that day and then started the cleaning and finally got done around 10pm.
I went to my apartment that night and just passed out.

So now there are minor things that need to be done in the apartment. My mother has 2 Real Estates working with her, as well as one of our tenants sent out some emails to her friends and got some responses from them as well.
We have had a few people come to see the apartment, and another 2 this weekend.

I cant even begin to tell how important it is for this apartment to get rented.
With this apartment not being rented, and having to do repairs, and bills keep coming in it seems to be getting really messed up.
Now I know everyone all over is having problems and work and money is messed up all over but if you pray to whoever your higher power is I ask you to please say one for my mother & I that things work out with the apartment and the house.

Lately it just seems as if every time we get 1 foot ahead something comes and knocks us 6 feet back.
To top shit off my sister had a fight with my mother on the phone and said some really mean shit. I only knew because I sent a email to my sister, just saying hello and telling her whats going on with our mom and the house and everything and then she told me how she fought with her over the phone.
I asked my mother and she told me what she said while crying the whole time.
Now I wanted to KILL her for making my mother feel like this, and saying such mean things.
I wanted to respond to the email however my mother asked me not to, so I didn't.
My main thing was how DARE you make her cry when she has so much on her plate right now.
My sister lives about 100 miles away and doesn't know whats really going on, she doesn't see how stressed my mother is, she doesn't know how my mother calls me when shes stressed, or when her sugar is high and shes worried, or when she just wants to talk and see whats going on. Just PISSED ME OFF really fucking bad you know?

Hey I'm sure I gave my mother plenty of nights crying, and worrying how and where I was and what was going on with me. I know I did things wrong and I can't undo them.
Now when I see my mother hurt it makes me want to KILL and out of the 3 of us it seems I'm the only one who feels like this and my mother knows and sees as well.
So now it's going on about a week since the email from my sister and I was going to respond many times but I just did what my mother asked and didn't, wont.

Tonight is Friday and were hoping for a great weekend. I hope you all have a great one as well.
Stay Up!

Not Missing Much I See..

As I'm trying to catch up on everything on the Internet because of not having it for a week I see I really didn't miss that much.
Yes I have alot of blog posts to read and emails to answer and stuff of that nature but after that its really nothing.

I did miss alot on dlisted. I love that site. Its just all around great, and they follow everything and anything of interest.
The Myspace, FaceBook, Twitter, and all that bullshit I see nothing has changed and I just needed to approve some comments and answer to messages.

It's funny when I didn't have my computer I thought like what the fuck I was missing. Now that I have it I find myself looking for things of interest to read and follow up on.

I have always enjoyed the wikipedia site. I just love that they have so much information and everything is just a click away. If your not on that site often you really should be because its so great and you have the world at your fingertips.

I'm doing well, and so is Gypsy and my mother.
I'm trying to help my mother get one of our apartments together so we can get it rented out. I really hope that it gets rented soon. I know my mother is getting stressed over it and I really don't think she can go another month without that income coming in for her.

Other then all that my new keyboard and mouse are working great and I'm really digging the wireless shit. I don't know why I haven't gotten it sooner. The computer seems to be running fine. I do know for sure that my next computer if it is a desktop or Laptop its definitely going to be a MAC! This is without question.
Macs do not get the same problems that PCs get such as viruses, spam, spy ware, and all the other SHIT that a PC gets.
All in due time.....
Stay Up!

What Did I Do BeforeThe Internet?

Last Tuesday my computer was bugging out on me. I tried to fix it myself because I have done so in the past but it seemed that the USB ports were burned out because both the keyboard and mouse were note responding. Now for both of them not to be working and burn out at the same time I taught it had to be the USB ports. Plus I took the mouse and keyboard to the library and they worked on there computer just fine.
So Yesterday I lugged my computer to the repair store and he does a free evaluation and he told me that my USB ports were fine and it was in fact my keyboard and mouse. I explained that I took them to the library and they worked fine there.
Whatever.
I went to Radio Shack and got a wireless keyboard and mouse set with a 1 year warranty for 40 bucks. I thought that was a pretty good deal seeing as its wireless and its also Logitech, which happens to be a good brand name.
So my computer is now up and running.
I went a week with out really going on the net and I started wondering what the fuck did I do when we didn't even have the Internet?
I will tell you this I did get alot done this week. I did some laundry, ran some errands for my mother. On Saturday Gypsy & I went and did food shopping. I have been cleaning the house here and there. I sat down and wrote letters to a friend I have in prison.
I did miss the Internet like crazy I'm not even going to front.

Other then that all my fur babies are doing well. I have been taking them to run in the park at night as much as I can. Some nights I cant bring them there because the people complain and call the cops. Really only because there pit bulls. If they were any other dogs, or small dogs they wouldn't even bother and I know this for a fact.
One day I was sitting in the park with Myla, and Bandit only and cops came in the park and told me someone called saying there was pit bulls terrorizing people and children!
I showed them my Animal Rescue ID and I said "if they weren't pit bulls would you have even came here and stopped me" and one cops said no, and yes its because there pit bulls. So I'm just sick of people and how they look and view pit bulls all together!

So I have alot of blog posts to read and respond to. I also have some emails I need to get to as well.
I hope everyone is doing fine and well.

BLOG LOVE!!

That's right bitches I got a award!
That's right I have people that read my shit and LOVE my silly ass!

Here's the kick ass mom that gave to me Fractalmom

Thanks Frac and everyone else that shows me nothing but love!!

I will make another post about my weekend and shit thats been going on with me and Mi Vida Loca

Stay Up!

New Begining For Cats

Well I just got home from bringing the cats to the Bideawee.
I posted about it yesterday here.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Of course I cried but hey anyone that knows me knows I love animals more then people and I treat my animals like my own children.
I love animals and probably would save a animal before a human. Call it whatever you want but I'm always speaking my mind and this is how I feel and most likely always will.

Mikey was very nervous and scared, Patty was also scared but they both did well. They both passed there tests, and there both healthy and there going to stay there until they get adopted. Also one of my good friends is the one who takes care of them, making sure there fed, litter changed and clean, making sure they get some kind of human contact each day as well. So I feel even better because I know shes doing that and she is going to keep me updated weekly on how they are doing.

Other then that were now working on getting the apartment fixed up, cleaned out, and painted.
It will take some time but were working overtime on it and were going to do our best to get it done as soon as we can.

As of right now I'm not even looking for work because I know this next couple of weeks I'm going to be needed helping my mom and I cant take on a job right now. So after this is all done and settled I'm going to go back to the drawing board and hit the working field hardcore.

Looking forward to the weekend and spending some time with Gypsy and just really being able to chill out and not constantly be on the go like I have been the past month or so.
Hope everyone is doing well. If I haven't posted on your blog please don't take it personal I will get to you soon.
Have a great weekend everyone and Stay Up!

Patty Cake & Mikey I Tried My Best!

Been kind of down these past few days because I have had alot on my plate.
I'm going to try to write the short version.

One of my moms tenants who has lived with us for over 10 years had a nervous breakdown and had to be put into the hospital. Now like I said he has been with us for 10 years so we saw him as one of the family. So this was very hard for us.
When he left we went up to see the apartment and he had alot of stuff that needs to be taken out. There is some things that need to be fixed up and of course it needs to be painted.
Now about last summer I got him a cat from the shelter after one of his passed, to keep his other cat, Mikey, company.
I went and picked one out for him and got it and brought it to him and everything.
Now since he has been in the hospital we have been talking to his parents and they want to help get the stuff out of the apartment but they like don't want anything to do with the cats for some reason.
His mother made a comment like "Just open the window and let the loose they will be fine".
Then a few days ago his father called my mother and told her he paid for the 2 cats to be picked up from the house, and then they were going to be put down.
My mother told him that is NOT an option.
So I made a few calls and one of my very close rescue friends pulled some strings and were getting her into the Bideawee, which is not a shelter, its much better. Also my friend is the one who overlooks the animals, making sure they are fed, clean water litter, food, toys, and whatnot.
She will also give the go ahead to the person who wants to adopt, and I have faith in her that she will give them to the right people.

Now of course I am a mess, because I love these animals, I saved one of them, Patty Cake and now I have to bring her back and I feel just HORRIBLE.
I have to realize and face the facts I cant change things I have no control over....
So with having to bring the cats, help my mother fix up the apartment, and get it rented and everything I am very stressed.
Whatever your higher power is, can you please say a prayer for these animals that they get a good home and there well taken care of, and there not scared, and afraid and never get hurt.
That would mean alot to me.
Also if your in NY and are interested in a cat or know someone PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me.
I can have them taken to you if your in the city, and if your a little more far away I'm sure we can work something out.

Lord Give me strength......

Other then that Gypsy and I had a great Valentines weekend and had a good time jus spending it together.
We watched some movies, had some good lovin, and just had a really nice time.
One of the movies we watched was the new Clint Eastwood movie, Grand Torino.
Also watched Factory Girl which is about Edie Sedgwick a VERY intresting person and once you start reading about her and seeing how she lived you will be pulled in to her beauty. She was just soooo beautiful!
Also watched some other movies here and there....

Hope every enjoyed there weekend as much as we did.
So everyone Stay Up Till Next Time...

Crazy Month

Whats up people?
Alot has been going on over here on my end that's why I haven't been posting often.
First off one of my mothers tenants left and I'm helping my brother fix it up for her to show to other potential tenants. This has to get done at least a week before next month that way she doesn't lose a months rent.
The guy who left, Matt, I adopted a cat, Patty Cake, to him after his had passed to keep his other cat, Mikey, company. Well hes gone and he left the cats and is leaving me and & mom to take care of them. So I'm trying to reach out to some of my rescue groups to help me get them homes. There great cats, friendly and very lovable.
On Sunday I took Myla, my foster dog, and Jedi my foster cat to get spayed and neutered. I was awake at 6am and down there by 7am and I was the last one to make it in thank God!
Everything worked out great and there both doing well.
Myla still snores, and Jedi is still his ninja self.
I have been looking for work, legit work and it seems like nothing has come threw. I will keep on trying and give it my best. Last week someone contacted me about doing some dog walking but she flaked out on me, no big deal when one door closes another one opens right?
Also been trying to stay away from the people at the program. Really the only one I even want to talk to is Lisa, my friend who I have blogged about before, when she was in the hospital and whatnot. Other then that the other people in the program I see daily I really have no desire to converse with them. When talking to them its always the same conversation, and its never anything of substance. Its either about drugs, pills, or gossip about this one or that one, or problems there having and favors they want. Someone is always wanting something, either a smoke, a dollar, or to use my phone.
Seems like no one has a contract phone plan and everyone knows I do so there always asking to use my phone because either they don't have minutes, or they will make up some excuse like "the #9 on my phone doesn't work and the call I need to make has the #9 in it", or just out right "I don't want to waste my minutes". they don't want to waster Their minutes but they have NO problem using mine. Makes me fucking laugh.
Those are just a few examples of what I see and deal with when talking or being around them.
Even though I use drugs I don't make it my life. I like to talk about other things, I like to watch a TV show or read the news and then go up to someone and talk about it and hold a decent "normal" conversation but with these people that's just not possible. They don't have the intellect or the mind span to keep a conversation like that, that and all they want to talk about is drugs, pills and gossip, its old and boring to me.
Its played out to me, and I'm 28, these are people that are in there 40's so you would think it would be played out to them as well but sadly its not....
Valentines Day is on Saturday and I want to do something really nice for Gypsy, I'm not going to post it just in case she reads this post, but I will post it after.

Well I think that's about it for now. Hope everyone has a good Valentines Day, and if you dont have a Valentine dont sweat it, just have a good weekend!
Stay Up!

Not What I Pictured

Today its a snowy rainy nasty day outside.

When I woke up this morning with Gypsy I didn't even want to get out of bed. She starts work at 3pm so she can lay down and not rush because her job also happens to be walking distance to our house.
Here's the thing, I didn't want to get out of bed, but I HAD TO because I have to go to the program and get my dose. Yes I have bottles home that I save. They give us a "take home" on Sunday because that's the only day the clinic is closed besides any holiday.
I don't drink my Sunday bottle fully. I will take a sip and save the rest for a day where I cant make it or something like that. Yes I could have stayed home and used on of my bottles but like I said I like to make that a last resort and not have to use it unless I REALLY need to you know?

Finally after ping ponging the idea in my had I got up, went into the shower and got dressed. Its cold and nasty out so of course layered down, hoodie, hat, face mask and heavy boots to keep my feet dry.
I walked my dogs, and then left to go.
As soon as I got on the bus I saw one of my "friends", Joann, on the bus and she looked like shit as soon as I saw her I knew she had been up all night smoking crack, and sure as shit she told me that her and another friend of hers went to a hotel and smoked crack all night into to morning and she didn't go home to her man or dog and she was going right to the program.

After we did what we needed to do in the program Joann and I were waiting for the bus and someone she knew for years but had not seen came up and they started kicking it. He was explaining how he was in a half way house, and still fucking around and on the program.
The bus came, they exchanged phone numbers and we got on.
I asked her who he was and she told me that she has known him for such a long time, and they used to hang out about 15 years ago.
Joann has been around Red Hook forever, she grew up here and she knows pretty much everyone. Shes been getting high for years, and been on the program for over 10 years as well.
Shes always been into illegal shit and never had a legit job and more then likely never will. She is more then happy with either selling drugs, or boosting, or working the system in order for her not to work and not have a real job.

When she told me all that I couldn't help but think here I am 28 and I STILL don't have my shit together. Yes I did go to school for massage therapy and finish that but I'm STILL not working a steady legit job, and I'm not doing the right thing.
It made me think I don't want to end up at the age of 40 with nothing to show for my life. I don't want to get older and run into people who I knew from way back when and NOTHING has changed about myself.
Honestly it scares me. I REALLY do want to do good, and I REALLY want the best for myself, my mom and Gypsy but its so hard.
I have like an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other and there fighting as hard as they can to win there side. Most of the time I give into the devil and go and get high and don't do the right thing.
Alot of people seem to think that its soo easy to just stop getting high and never pick up again and its nothing like that.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about getting high, and sometimes I give in and sometimes I don't.

I cant front I have been sending out my resume like crazy, filling out applications wherever I can. Right about now I'm willing to do whatever I need to in order to get some legit work. As most know the work force isn't in the best shape and people are getting laid off like theres no tomorrow, so that just makes it all the more harder.

Point being I'm really trying to get my shit right and do good. Of course people don't want that for me or Gypsy because the kind of people at the program would rather you be doing bad and be all fucked up then working, and doing the right thing. "Misery loves company" is a perfect fit for how those people are and act.
I don't really give two fucks what they think about me because there not paying my bills and putting food on my table or clothes on my back. Just gets to me sometimes you know?

Alot of people seem to think that its soo easy to just stop getting high and never pick up again and its nothing like that.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about getting high, and sometimes I give in and sometimes I don't

Anyways that was what was in my head today and what I was thinking about.
After my program I came home and walked my dogs. They HATE the rain so they don't want to do anything outside, so I busted out the rain coats and put them on for them. Myla doesn't mind but Bandit HATES wearing any kind of clothes.
Took them out they did what they needed to do to and came home and just been on the net and answering emails, and also blogging and trying to catch up on some blogs that I read on the regular.

I'm Alive & Well

Hey whats up my online people?
First off let me say sorry for not blogging and not giving updates on the norm. I have been REALLY busy.
I'm hitting the work force hardbody trying to get a legit job. Also taking care of myself by going to the doctor, dentist and also some other appointments that needed to be done.

Also I have been going threw some shit, personal shit that I don't really wanna put on blast right now, maybe sometime down the line but not right now.
Been taking care of my mom and everything on her end making sure things are good for her and shes doing what she needs to be done.

We just came back from doing food shopping, got the babies there food and some treats as well.
One of our friend is going to lend us "The Wrestler" with Micky Rorke. He won the Godel Globe for it and I REALLY hope h e wins the Oscar. I have loved him since I saw him in "The Pope Of Greenwich Village"
He was so handsome in that movie, also loved him in "Bullet"!

So anyways that's whats been going on with me and everything is cool, just keeping my head up and trying to make things better for myself!
Just trying to have a normal life with none of the bullshit you know?
Sometimes my head is so loud its like no matter what I do I cant get away from it and sometimes it seems like the only answer is to get high and let everything go numb, but I'm trying as hard as I can to not go that route.
Thanks to everyone who has stayed in touch and if I don't email you this weekend then I will get to as soon as I can.

Whats The Reason?

I was about 16 years old and heavy into the drug game by now. I was shooting dope, and smoking crack. I was also smoking weed, and on the weekends when I went out with my friends I would do sniff coke, take Ecstasy & Ketamine I was a garbage head really. Not everyone in the crew knew I was smoking crack and shooting dope. They thought I only did it once and awhile and didn't know I had a habit and was on a mission.
Anyways here I am a 16 year old female thinking I can take on the world. I was always the "tomboy" type. I always knew I liked females in a sexual way so I always ran with the boys and that made me all the more tough. I made my money with my running partner who was a man named Shabazz. When I met him I was 15 and he was 36, he had just come home from doing a 9 year bid in a max prison.
We clicked right away, and he didn't want to get into my pants, he saw I was about my money and I liked to get high and he was the same way. He always got money, stayed fly and was able to get high. Of course we had our bad days but what addict doesn't. The point I'm trying to make is Bazz was good to me and he took my under his wing and looked at me like a little sister.
So everyday we would meet up if we didn't break night together, and plan how we would make our money and what we were going to take off in order to "get this money".
One day he tells me he has something set up and all I have to do is lookout and were paid.
He was going to take off a number spot/weed spot with another guy and all I had to do is lookout, and make sure no one came inside while they did what needed to be done.
So we went over it and over it and the time came....
Bazz and his homeboy went in and I stood outside the door like I was told to do.
I could hear people screaming and loud noises coming from inside but I tried to block it out and stay on point with what I had to do.
What seemed like forever was only 2 minutes if that and Bazz and his homeboy came out with bags that held cash & weed.
We got in the car and drove away, all of us happy and trying to keep our cool and make sure no one was following us..
We went into his homeboys apartment, and split up the goods. His homeboy was arguing with Bazz over the fact that I shouldn't get as much as I was because they did most of the work and if anything happened they were the ones that were going down for it.
Well after a few heated words Bazz made sure I got my fair cut and we went right to the 24 hour spot on Humbolt that sold both crack and dope and Bazz and I loaded up and we went and got a hotel room and partied.
Right after it happened the word was out that the spot had gotten stuck up and they were putting word out that if anyone knew anything they would give cash money to any info.
Bazz told me not to worry, that as long as none of us talked we would be in the clear and I knew I wasn't saying anything and I knew he wasn't either, and neither was his homeboy.
A few days later I was going to cop dope at Da Spot. After I got my shit I headed over to this shooting gallery that all the junkies knew of and went to, as long as you had something for "Dud" (That was the dudes nickname) then you can go in and do your shit and relax, or smoke and get all cracked out.
So I went inside and right away I got a bad feeling but just dismissed it. I was doing my first shot of the day so I was just getting off "E", in other words I was taking the dope sickness away and not really getting high just yet.
After I did my shit I smoked a cigarette and was getting ready to leave when this crackhead pulled out a gun on me.
He was cracked out of his mind and he was saying that I had money and I was going to give it up or he was going to kill me.
Let me tell you something it is a strange feeling having a gun pointed right at your face. I mean to the point where you can look right down the barrel.
I told him I didn't have shit and I was just getting off "e" and I was going out to hustle in order not to be sick later on.
Of course I was lying and had the money stashed in my shoe but even with a loaded gun in my face I wasn't giving up my fucking money. Shit I took the risk and here was this nigga pulling a gun on me and just taking it? (Meanwhile that's how I got mine but fuck it).
After a few choice words and screaming back and forth he pulled the trigger and the gun did go off, matter of fact it went off right by my ear and I lost most of my hearing in that ear but it didn't touch me. I don't know if it backfired or the bullet was a blank. To this day I still don't know.
Lou posted about the movie American Beauty when the guy gets shot in the head his life flashes before his eyes. When the gun went off none of that happened to me. I didn't think of my family, friends, good times, or bad times, I was simply blank.
Maybe it wasn't my time and that's why that didn't happen to me? Maybe when it really is my time to go I will see all that? Who knows?
What I do know is I'm still here and still getting high and taking chances. I'm not taking chances like I was, shit nothing like I used to.
I would certainly like to think that gun missed for a reason.....