*RIP CHARLIE GIRL*

I have never felt more empty then I do right now.....

I'm not going to re-live it over but all I will say is my cat Charlie had to be put down tonight after something bad happened to her.
I feel like someone has a piece of my soul.
RIP my Charlie Girl you will be missed each & everyday..............

I don't really feel like blogging anymore but I feel I owe it to the people that read my shit to know whats going on since my last post which I believe I did yesterday? Wow I'm in a fucking fog.
Anyways Judy the woman that was arrested was taken to Rikers Island last night, I got a call from the husband Flip about an hour before I got a call from Judy in Rikers. Flip called me wanting to know if I could please call Rikers and find out any info on Judy that I could. He has a pre-paid phone and could only put 10 dollars worth on the phone so that if Judy could call him we would be able to get the call, and also that if the children could call him somehow or if ACS needed to get in touch with him.
I had no problem with making the calls for him and all I could find out was that her bail was $1000 and I got her ID#.
I called him and let him know that. Also told him that my phone is on 24/7 and if he needed me to call anyone for him to just let me know.
About an hour later I was on the bus going to my mothers house to do some laundry, and I was also sleeping over the night and my phone rang and it was Judy calling me from Rikers.
She wanted to give me her Food Stamp Card #'s & pin because she had the card on her and she wanted Flip to have them in case he needed to buy food, or cash stamps in for money.
To those that don't know there are stores that will take your food stamps and cash them in as if you bought something and give you cash back. Of course you don't get the full amount you only get 7 dollars for every 10 you give out.
So I wrote down what she wanted me to, and I asked her when she was going back to court and she said tomorrow.
She was upset that her kids were taken and found out from me that Flip was out of jail and he had the phone turned on.
So after like 2 more minutes of talking we got cut off & I called Flip and let him know everything she wanted me to tell him and also that she would be in court tomorrow.
He thanked me over & over, and again I told him no problem & to call if he needed anything. My last word to him were "go get your kids homie"!
Today I was bringing the laundry back home and then going to walk my dogs real quick and then head to my program.
As I was at my apartment with Gypsy Judy called me from her phone, she said that they let her go. She said she had a really great judge and that she didn't actually leave the store with the items so that played a big factor. I told her she had a fucking angel over her and she was 1 luck bitch! She asked if I could bring her a shirt because she was wearing them same one she had on and was going right to the program because she was sick as a dog.
I grabbed a black tee and headed to the program. I saw Judy, gave her the shirt and she told me after the program she was headed to court to see what she can do to get her kids back.

Since seeing her at the program she called me around 3pm and she was still in court waiting. I told her to call me to let me know what was going on.
I have not heard from her since. I don't know if she got her kids, if ACS still has them, or if they are trying to keep them from her and put them in permanent foster care.

So thats that for now, I'm going to try and keep my mind from racing and get some sleep.

Children Lost. Adult Losing It.

As I'm posting this I cant help but think about how horrible this situation is. What happened was the woman I have blogged about before has gone and done it again.
The women Judy went out and shoplifted and got caught. As of right now I think her kids were with her and that's the reason they have gone in the ACS system and for some reason they split them up. It is a 7 year old boy, and a 10 year old girl.
The father (sperm doner more like it) was also arrested the same fucking day for drinking a beer out in public. His name is Flip and he drinks beer like its fucking water.
They both are on the program, take pills, smoke crack, and do dope. They tell there kids that they steal to put food on the table but it all goes to drugs.
So the way I found out was her twin sister Joann called me and told me what happened. My first word to her were why don't you go and get them. "ohhh ummm I cant its a big thing and ummm I just cant"
After hearing this from her I wanted to rip her head threw the phone and beat her. Those are your sisters children, you TWIN SISTER and they NEED you NOW you selfish fuck!
Joann said she was waiting in the court room for both of them to be arraigned and was going to call me back and let me know what happened.
Judy has a long rap sheet of stealing and shoplifting and shes going to jail for sure its just a matter of how long shes going away for.
Another fucked up part of this is her older son Freddy is in Rikers right now and wont be coming home till February some time for also robbing someone.
What chance do these kids have? The young ones and the older son?
After I got off the phone with Joann I told Gypsy what the phone call was about and she saw I was upset, I have a soft spot in my heart for these kids. They always come and hug me when they see me, I let them listen to my iPod, or play with my PSP. I also put music on there MP3 players when they finally got there own little bullshit ones.
They hold my hand when we walk down the block, I play games with them. So its not like there just another 2 kids who have fucked up parents, I know them, I have love for them.
Gypsy was saying could we even go and get them and how would we care for them and trying to make sense of it all.
I just kept thinking that the girl is 10 years old and the boy is 7 and what if God Forbid someone tries to hurt them or touch them in a sexual way.
Where are they? Do they know whats going on?
My mind is racing as of now.

I cant help but feeling angry all the time. Not just because of this but other things that are going on in my life.
People on the program are trying there hardest to bring me down and keep me down.
People on the program come up to me and tell me gossip and every time I just stop them and let them know I don't care and I have my own problems, REAL problems!
I'm trying SO HARD to find legit work. I don't want to deal drugs and live like that anymore and it seems all I keep doing is hitting walls. The walls are getting thicker and thicker.
I feel like I don't have control on my life.
I feel like my insides are screaming.
I feel like if anyone says the wrong thing to me I'm going to see red and just fucking lose it.

I don't know anymore.......

To those that are reading this I ask of you to say a prayer for those kids.

Pop Off

You know sometimes I feel like in this vortex where I'm being sucked in by all the negative energy that's going on around me.
I REALLY trying to change and do the right thing. I wrote up a resume, made it really good. Gypsy helped me with a few things and its looking really good. I have answered a few ad's on Craigs list and also gone in person to a few places.
I'm at a point where I'm willing to do whatever is needed to make a steady paycheck and no be on the grind. Not have to look over my shoulder, not have to worry about the boys taking me down and sending me away for as much as they can.
Make a real life with my and Gypsy, something where she can know that I'm making money, doing the right thing, and we can rest easy at night.
However the reason I say I feel like I'm in a vortex is because no matter what time I go to the program, it can be early, it can be last minute I run into people who just have nothing going on for them and frankly they say there my friends but they don't give to fucking shits about me.
Who's smoking crack. Who is living with this one, and there all talking about shit about each other behind each others backs. Who's fucking this one behind his wife's back but I don't know how its behind her back when the whole program seems to know there fucking each others. Who only strikes up a conversation with me because they either want a favor like music on there stolen MP3 or to borrow money.
I get on the bus with my iPod blasting, and they still come up with me wanting to yack in my fucking ear about all this fucking bullshit that I could give two shits about.
I have always been a private person, my business is mine and not for everyone else to know and talk about and add what they feel like to the story. I don't go talk about my personal life with others, mainly these fucking lowlifes that thrive on the misery of others. So just because I don't tell everyone whats going on with me doesn't mean I don't have problems of my own.
I feel like the more I see them or talk to them, and the more I don't have my head right I'm going to either do something on impulse and it wont be good. I also feel like it has hardened me to a point where I don't even care about anyone but Gypsy, my mother, and my babies.
I feel like I have all this pent up frustration and I'm going to just fucking pop off at any minute.

BBQ & New Foster Dog!

We took in another foster dog this weekend. Labor Day we were going to a BBQ and the new foster was coming the same day.
A volunteer went and picked the dog up for us and got lost like for 2 hours the poor thing. Finally she was here. Her name is Maria but were thinking of new names for her. Any suggestions are always welcomed.
She is known as a "throw away mom". What that means is they mate the dog over and over and over and over until shes no good anymore and then just dump her out on the streets or kill them. Well Maria was lucky because she was found and rescued all in a weeks time. She was going to be put down tomorrow but because Gypsy and I took her in she will live.
This is so far the only pix I have of her but I will take some more of course. She is all brindle and poor girls nipples are practically dragging on the floor. Shes a total mush. All she wants is love and all she wants to do is give love.
When she first came I had Bandit and her meet outside and they got along right away. Started playing and grunting. I was so happy because you really never know until they meet face to face and its always a crap shoot with 2 pit bulls.
After walking them together for a few we brought them up to the house and Bandit was playing with her and showing her around and she went in ever room and sniffed her way around everything and was checking it out.
So shortly after getting her we were going to the BBQ which was walking distance. So we crated both Bandit and Maria and went.
Had a feast of food and practically rolled home because after dinner was ice cream floats for desert! YUMMY!
When we got back home I gave them a nice walk about a hour or so to get used to each other both inside the house as well as outside.
So far so good. I'm really loving on this one. She slept with me in the bed all last night and as I'm typing this she is sleeping at my feet. Every time I go to leave the house she wants to come with me and I know when its time to give her up its going to be hard. I just have to remember we saved her from death and gave her a new life. A life with good food, running space, and people that will love her and not just want her to make puppies then rip them from her and then sell them!
Anyways that was my Labor Day weekend hope everyone else had a good one as well!!

Trust Is Everything To Me

I was reading this blog tonight about a woman who found out her husband who she had been with for 20 years was cheating on her with hookers. To my knowledge there still together and trying to work it out.
I posted a comment letting her know how I feel and this is how I feel on the matter.
I feel that once my partner cheats on me that's IT, its DONE! Once they do it even once the trust is gone forever in my mind. I feel like if you want to go do something just tell me I might be up for it. Couples should have that communication where if they want to do something sexually then they should be able to come right out and tell there partner what exactly it is they want.
In the sex department I'm not boring so I don't feel like my partner should even do something behind my back to where they would need to or want to do something that I would do with them.
I have told Gypsy things I'm up for and things I'm not, and the things I'm not up for if she wanted to go and do them all I ask is that I be there to watch, now I don't think that's such a obscene agreement do you?
Most partners would say no way and if you want to go do this or that you wont be my partner when you do it. Or they will go behind there partners back and go do it anyway. Then what?
Then they might just go all out and do it all the time. They might not.
However the damage is done in my mind.
I don't know her post just got me thinking and how I feel on it and everything.
How do you feel on it?

"Crackie of Camden"

I'm sorry but what the FUCK is up with Amy Winehouse? Every picture I see of her she stoned, her hair is crazy. Looks like she hide her stem and rigs in there, and her fucking nails are DIRTY! I mean fucking nasty!
Here's a link to a site that I love its called "dlisted". It has all the latest news on just about everyone. Just check out the pictures of "Crackie" first!

Another Year Older. Another Man Released From Prison

Whats up my peoples? Just letting everyone know whats been going on with me the past few weeks or so since my last post.
This past Wednesday was my birthday. I turned 28 years old. Seems like I'm older from all the shit I done and all the shit I seen in my lifetime.
Gypsy got me 2 new pairs of Timberland boots, 4 shits, and we are going to go out to a movie and diner this weekend. 2 friends of mine from the program got me something as well which I was totally shocked at because they really don't have money to buy me anything. So of course she didn't buy it for me she went out and stole it but hey its the thought that counts right? One girl, Judy, got me a bottle of perfume, Charlie White by Revlon. The other girl, Joann got me a new DVD, The Hulk. I thought that was really cool of them to even part with shit they sell for money to give it to me for my Birthday! Judy and Joann are twin sisters and there Birthdays are on August 31st so I will of course get them a little something nice.
Joann's boyfriend of 6years just came home from doing 3 & a half years in prison for drug charges. He literally came home last night. I saw him today and he looked really good and I wished him nothing but the best and for him to try to stay out of trouble and not go back to that fucking shit hole!
Joann was doing really bad when he man went into prison, she beat her dope connect for money and couldn't get any work, then turned into a fucking crackhead of all things. She just went to the dentist to get her teeth taken out so she can have dentures put in.
Also being she was doing so bad she decided to have this couple Vicky & Kay come live with her to help her out. Seems only that they don't help her out and they treat her like shit. They leave in a car in the morning and don't even ask Joann to come along. Now there all going the same way so why not ask Joann to come along?
Yesterday Vicky knew that Joann's Boyfriend was coming home so she was trying to be all nice to Joann. She gave her money, bought cigarettes, new sheets for their bed and so on.
That's just her being the dope fiend that she is trying to get in good with the boyfriend making it like shes been doing this the whole time she was there and that's not the case.
Since I have known Vicky & Kay they have lived with other people and never had a place they can call there own. Now this is about 5 or 6 years I'm talking about. You would think they would just go into a shelter and in 6months or so they would have a place of there own that welfare would help pay for but no. For some reason they rather live with other people and leech off of them and then when it comes time for them to leave they always leave on bad terms.
Judy stole 2 MP3 players for her kids and she asked me to please put music on them for the kids, which I did. Then Joann came to me with a MP3 asking me to do the same, I did it for her as well. However today I put the word out that if anyone wants me to put music on there MP3, or iPod or whatever they have that I will charge them for it.
Because today I overheard someone saying that if they give me there MP3 that I will put music on it for them and they seem to think that its going to be free well they have a surprise coming to them.
If they were to go on Fulton Street and have it done there they charge 15 bucks each time, no matter if you put 1 or 100 songs on, 15 every time you have it done, and I think they charge more if you want movies put onto it.
So that's about it. I have also been spending more time with my mother. I slept over her house 2 times this week and after posting this and checking some emails I'm going there again tonight. She loves having me over and I enjoy spending time with her.
My mother and I have a great relationship and I am very grateful for that. She was the only one who didn't give up on me when I was at my worst with my addiction and I love her even more for that!
So to all my online peeps and bloggers out there keep your head up and Stay Up!
sKILLz

Where Are They Now?

Something about summer nights in Brooklyn that make me think about when I was growing up and was running wild, doing dumb shit and the people I used to hang with at the time. See summer in Brooklyn there was always something going on. Winters aren't much different but its just something about the heat, people being out all hours of the night, and just the smell in the air. It didn't matter if it was a weekend or a weekday there was always something to get into and most of the time it wasn't legal.
I used to hang out in Cooper projects alot and over there I caught alot of my "firsts". My first blunt, my first fight, my first time dropping acid, my first bag of dope and so on.
Everyday was like a new adventure. Everyday we were into some kind of trouble and it was fun because we felt like we were invincible of course. The crew I was hanging out with at the time was a few years older then me so they were into some heavy drugs and dealing. That's how I became addicted at such a young age. That's also where I met Ronnie. (RIP)
One guy who I used to hang out with who was dealing crack at the time had a mother who was addicted to crack and HIV positive as well. Only after 3 years of knowing him and his mother his mom passed away due to HIV and after that he went and became a crack addict as well and I just lost touch with him.
Another kid I used to hang out with his nickname was Flip. His mother was killed when a man tried to rob her and she only had like 30bucks and I guess that wasn't enough for him so he went and shot her killing right on the spot. Flip didn't even get to say goodbye.
Phillip was about the same age as me and man did he have shit on his plate. First off his father was a big time gangster/drug addict when the family was younger. He had 1 older sister and 1 younger sister. I hung out with the whole family really. They weren't far apart in age at all. The mother was on methadone for like 40years and she was HIV positive. All of the children became drug addicts. The sisters began selling themselves for drugs while Phil and I would go out robbing, stealing and selling drugs to provide for our habits. The mother died a slow and painful death as the children watched on helplessly. Sadly ALL of the children contracted HIV. The sisters got it from prostitution and Phillip got it from sharing needles from other junkies. I havent seen any of them in over 5 years.
Then there was Mike. Mike was another partner in crime with me. His father was an addict and died of and overdose. His mother worked her ass off to provide a good life for him his brother and sister. Mikes brother was always in and out of jail his whole life. I think hes locked of as of now doing a state bid. His sister had 2 children at an early age and smokes crack.
Mike became a heroin addict and we used to hustle together and get high together as well. I have tried to contact him several times and nothing since. Last I heard of Mike he was on a methadone program and he was working and doing really good. If thats true and a really hope it is I wish him nothing but the best.
These are just some of the people that come to my mind right now. I always wonder who they are, where they are, what there doing and if there even still alive. Do they think of me? What memories come to mind when they do? Well to the ones I just mentioned and all the others you are always in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but the best!
Stay Up!

Is It The Heat?

I don't know what it is lately but I feel like I'm just going to snap. Today on the bus going to my program there was fucking mayhem. As soon as Gypsy and I stepped onto the bus there was this Spanish guy fighting with the driver of the bus. What they were fighting about I wasn't too clear on. The Spanish guy says to the driver that he was "going to punch him in the face". As soon as he said that the driver stopped the bus and got on the phone calling the cops saying he had just bee threatened. He told the Spanish guy that if he didn't get off the bus that everyone else had to get off.
Now who's yelling at the Spanish guy, who's yelling at the driver and still the bus is parked and not moving. The Spanish guy buts his losses and gets off the bus.
After that some black lady with her little boy and husband who seemed to be a little slow to everyone started yelling at the driver saying that he "was going to Hell". As she yelling at the driver another black girl a little younger started yelling at the slow girl. Saying "this is my hood" and "they know me in the bookings". The slow black girl was getting off the bus at her stop and keep telling the other girl to get off the bus and fight her. The black girl was saying some shit like "fuck you, you methadone bitch". Now first off the girl wasn't even on the program she was just a little crazy and slow and raggy like, but if you ask me if the other girl would have got off the bus she would have gotten her ass beat!
Now Gypsy starts yelling at the black girl saying "don't go categorizing people that are in the program because not all of them are alike" I was waiting for the black girl to say something to Gypsy because honestly I don't know what would have happened. I don't know if I would have been able to control myself or not.
The black girl did not say a word and got off on the next stop.
As we pulled up to the Ikea and about 10 people got off I screamed "next time take the free fucking shuttle bus to Ikea"!
Ahhhh what a fucking day and its not over yet.........
Stay Up!

FUCK IKEA!

So they finally opened up the new Ikea in Red Hook. It opened up on June 18Th and since then the bus route I take has been fucked and packed with people going to the Ikea.
Now I don't understand as to why they get on my bus when all they have to do is wait and a FREE shuttle bus will take them right to the Ikea without stopping.
The first day it opened the bus drivers were so fed up with people asking them "does this bus go to Ikea"?.
Now it seems like they not only ask the drivers but they ask anyone who is getting on the B77 bus as well.
Everyday I try to get out earlier and earlier and yet it seems like the bus takes forever to come and when it finally does come the bus is so packed with people you can forget about a seat, your lucky if you can even get on the fucking thing.
Yeah I guess I'm just venting because this Ikea has made it so that now I REALLY hate going there. I mean I hated it before but now it makes the trip even more miserable to go on.
They keep saying there going to put more buses on the route to accommodate all the people,and the rush of people that take this bus and not the free shuttle. So far I have not seen a change!
Also you have people that go to the program and because they don't want to pay they jump on the free shuttle bus.
Do you really think that they want those fucking kinda people on that bus? When first off there not shopping at Ikea, there loud, there dirty, and just plain fucking nasty.
How long will it be before there taking pills on the bus, fighting, or selling drugs if there not doing it already because they don't give a fuck anyway.
I just need to get away from this shit....................Till Next time Homies!
Stay Up!