As So Goes.....

Wow 3 days in a row of posting I think this is a record for me blogging....LOL

Well I have good news to day we have a BRAND NEW boiler. We have heat and hot water and its Pumping!!
Last night I went to my mother because like I posted it was her birthday and I got her what I said I was going to get her and boy O boy was she surprised. She was crying tears of joy and that made me happy because I knew how happy I made her.
My sister called her and I'm sure she mailed her a card and its just going to come late. If she doesn't then I have more faith in her then I thought and shes a real fucking asshole.
My brother didn't even CALL HER!!! Can you fucking believe that shit???
I KNOW that hurt my mother so much and for that fact I wanted to go and fucking beat the living SHIT outta him because like I said I know how much it hurt her.
I was going to call him in the morning when I woke up because I slept over and we had dinner together and my mother didn't want me to call because she wanted to see how long it would take him to remember for him to call her.
She said "he remembered his fathers birthday what was it to remember mine and just call me", ughhhh when she said that it made me wanna hurt him EVEN MORE!!!!
I swear this is breaking up our family even more then it was before. I mean we were never a tight family. The song that always reminds me of my family is "FAMILY PORTRAIT" by "PINK"
Just the words, if you don't know the song then listen to them and it is pretty close to painting a picture of what my family was like only it was 100x worse.

Hey no ones family is perfect but growing up with a scumbag gambler & alcoholic father why would beat the shit outta me for nothing is pretty FUCKED no???
I certainly think so.
I don't know if I'm a addict because of it or not who's to ever say. I know I was running the streets and getting high to get away from my house and the shit that was going on in it so I know that, then just got too deep too fast. Liked running the streets, liked hanging out, liked getting high......as so goes the start of my addiction.....

I Dont Get It

Thanks everyone for there comments on my last post.
To day I'm going to post a little on the subject of family.
See what sucks is today is my moms birthday and like I said in the above post what I was going to get for her and I did and I'm also going to spend the night with her and we are going to eat diner together and I KNOW just me being there makes her fucking day but I went out of my way for her as I try to do each year because she has done so much for me.
Now here it is 6 PM and my older sister and older brother haven't even CALLED her yet. What the FUCK type shit is that?! Who raised you, you fucking motherfucking scumbags?!?!
See my mother knows how I am and she doesn't want me to say anything to them or to fight with them because if her and I'm like "ma I can only take but so much before I explode"
I know for a FACT they are waiting for my mother to pass to see what she has left them in her will. I know that when she finally does pass and God PLEASE let it be many many moons from now that that's when they will come out of the woodwork and see what was left to them.
When my mom was at the hospital when she first got diagnosed with diabetes my brother went to see her once, and my sister didn't even come down and see not a one time. Me, I went EVERYDAY faithfully after my clinic and would sit with her and do crosswords and watch TV just do whatever to pass the time.
It just so happens that she was in the hospital on Mother Day and I was the ONLY one who got her something and who came to see her and spend time with her.
You don't know how much it KILLS me to know that they are hurting my mother SO FUCKING MUCH!
I know that when she is gone there going to be sorry for the time they lost out on her.
I think that the fact that they both chose to stick to my father side played a big part as well. Why would you even talk to that man for? He was a gambler a alcoholic, and he used to throw us beating for no fucking reason. Shit and that's not even the HALF of the shit I went threw as a child but that's another blog. I think I have blogged about my father before I have to go back and check.
Anyways bottom line hes a fucking lowlife motherfucker and he doesn't deserve my piss if he was on fire and yet my sister and brother chose to talk to him, and visit with him and send him cards and so on. So WTF is so hard about doing the same for your mother?
I'm sorry but I don't get it and NEVER will!
Hope everyone is doing well and getting ready for the holidays.
Stay Up Everyone!

Happy Birthday Mommy I love You Always!!

Well here it goes this is whats been going on in my life....

Today I had to miss the clinic because FINALLY we got brand new windows all 6 of them. They measure 37x107 & 37x94 so you can imagine how fucking much they were. Then hopefully later this week the new boiler is coming in. We have been with out heat and hot water for too long. Having to boil water every fucking night for showers is just not livable conditions. So we are VERY happy about that happening.
The dogs were very good I must say. Bandit is the one who doesn't like anyone, however when you come in the house and he sees that I ALLOW you to come in hes ok with it. Myla is just a sweetie pie and a mush, that's why I will NEVER understand why what happened with Charlie happened. I just have to stop blaming myself and move on as hard as it is to even think about it. Just the THOUGHT of her makes me cry.
Like I said before we don't have kids but our animals ARE our kids so it was a hard blow a VERY hard one.

I'm still looking for work. Finally had some time on the computer and sent out about 10 resumes and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed.
Same old shit at the clinic. I try very hard to not even talk with anyone but its like even if I have my iPod on or if I'm reading a book they come over and start talking nothing but junkie fucking talk.
Tomorrow is my moms Birthday. She said she doesn't want anything but of course I'm going to get her something. Believe it or not she doesn't have a DVD player so I was going to get her one and to start off her collection I was going to get her the " I LOVE LUCY" complete series. I saw it at Target for only 150 so what she worth it with all the shit she put up with me.
Talk about shit I was the only one out of all of her children (theres 3 of us. I have a older brother and sister) who even got her something last year.
You cant take time out to send her a fucking CARD??
See this is one of the reasons why I know for a fact that when my mother passes away I will probably be totally on my own.
My brother is a scumbag and still talks and comforts my father. My sister lives upstate and also talks to my father and they BOTH seem to only call my mother when they want or need something. I call my mom every fucking day. She is a diabetic and shes in her 60's you know God forbid but anything can happen. Plus I go and stay over a few nights a week because I know she loves just having me there. Plus sometimes I bring some laundry and get it done for free. LOL.

Anyways I'm still alive and kickin....barley somedays.......

"You had my heart, and we'll never be world apart Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star Baby cause in the dark, we can't see shiny cars And that's when you need me there With you I'll always share Because When the sun shine We'll shine together Told you I'll be here forever Said I'll always be your friend Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we still have each other You can stand under my umbrella"

McDonalds & Movies

So this morning Gypsy and I didn't even want to get out of bed but we had to go to to the program. Its the weekend and if you don't go today that means no dose for today or Sunday and then when you go in on Monday you have to be re-instated and they take 10Mg's from your normal dose.
So finally after dragging our butts out of bed we got showered and dressed. We were running late so we had to jump into a cab and its not that far so only cost 6 bucks.
While on line at the program my friend Judy's kids came over to me and hugged on me and said hello. I told them to wait outside because I honestly feel like that's no place for any children to be in.
After getting dosed we went outside and waited for the bus to go to breakfast. We have a ritual of somewhat, every Saturday after the program we go to McDonald's for there breakfast. So while we were waiting for the bus Judys kids were playing with me and joking around. I love those kids because I feel like when the kids are with me there KIDS and they don't have to listen to junky talk, and be around drug talk or anything of that nature.
So as the bus pulled up the boy jumped on my back and asked if he could come with me I told him to ask your mother and she said she was waiting for someone and that she would meet up with us.
Unfortunately they never showed up and Gypsy and I did give them enough time to come and they never did.
So after breakfast and waiting for Judy and the kids we decided to go to the movies. "SAW V" came out last night and I LOVE all of the "SAW" movies and so does Gypsy. We caught the 11:50am showing and it was on!

Honestly I did enjoy it but I really think they should leave it alone, and stop with it you know? I mean don't try to make it into like how the "Halloween" & "Nightmare On Elm Street" movies went on and on.

So we just got back home from the movies, we went and got something to eat for later because its supposed to rain heavy way into the night. So I walked our babies and now everyone is sleeping well and I think its starting to rain already...
Till Next time..
stay up!

POP OFF

Wow man time fucking flies I'm telling you. I'm just now realizing that I haven't blogged in almost a month.
I guess the main reason for me not blogging is because I don't really have much going on in my life that I would put on blast.
Some of the things going on in my life are very personal and I don't feel all that comfortable with sharing them with just anyone that comes along my blog.
My normal readers or other people I hooked up with on the net know whats going on and if I haven't filled you in you know how to holla at me so get at cha Brooklyn Bitch.
Other then that I STILL feel like I'm ready to fucking POP OFF at any minute, STILL feel like I have the world on my shoulders and I hate the fact that no matter what I do its never enough for the people around me.
I'm STILL looking for real work, LEGIT work and STILL nothing.
Just a few days ago I was given the chance to work but not doing the right thing and making the quick buck. I said I would think about it and I have been thinking about it because I don't feel its right for alot of the weight to fall on Gypsy. I will see how that goes....
STILL people at my program are talking shit and STILL I feel like I can POP OFF on any one of them at any given time.
Just this week one bitch made a remark to someone "that's why I hate lesbians because there always nasty to me, those fucking lesbian bitches I cant stand them" and someone had to hold me down because I felt like a pit bull ready to attack and if she wasn't a real friend she would have gone with me to kick her ass. Instead she held me back and made me think that shes not worth it and I have shit to lose and she ain't shit to me.

My friends son is in Rikers and I got a letter from him the other day letting me know I was practically the only one who has written him and he tends on doing the right thing when he comes home. Hes coming home on November 3rd I believe and he is only 20 years old so I have been trying to let him know that robbing and running the streets and getting high is not cool and is not fun. I have been there and don't that I told him and I'm just trying to get some sense into him. He says hes going to do the right thing but anyone can talk all that good shit in there while being locked down but once you hit the streets its a whole other story!

Other then all that Myla is still with us and were still looking for a home for her. Shes a hard one. We have really grown to love her despite her killing our cat, Charlie Girl.
Also Gypsy and I went to go see the Scissor Sisters here in NY City. They were playing under another name and we got the heads up and you needed a password to get in and we did not know what it was. However gypsy wrote a email to someone I don't even know who and the woman put us on the list and WE GOT IN! We were so close they had to pass us to get on stage! Oh man it was fucking great! Amanda LePore was the starting act and then they came on and ROCKED IT! A shot of Jack was 7 bucks! I couldn't fucking believe it!
We had a great time and I was really glad we went and got out of the house together!!
Its starting to get cold here in New York and I love it. I love the winter just something about it. I love the snow and the hoodies and the Timberland Boots and matching hats and matching gloves I always have and wear, like I said just something about it.
Anyways I hope all my peeps are doing well and holding there heads up high!

*TAGGED*

Ok I got "tagged" and heres the deal about this:

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.


I got tagged by KEL

I going to tag:
Dying4Something2Live4
Lou
Mother Of A Drug Addict
BlankFrank
Babz
Victoria

Six Unspectacular Things About Me

1. I am very anal about my gear. I have everything color coordinated and when I take off my sneakers or boots I clean them up and put them in the box they came in.
I keep all my long sleeve shirts together, hoodies together and so on.

2. I love animals more then people. I'm sorry but people seem to always disappoint and just lately really fucking annoy me to no end.

3. I try to do a million things in one day. I start out my day thinking what I have to do and think about all things I am going to do but somehow I never get everything done. Out of 20 things I thought I could get done in the day I might only get 3-5 done if that.

4. I have OCD when it comes to keeping my hands clean, but I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning my house. I would rather pay someone then do it myself but I always end up doing it myself.

5. I love to watch COPS, or any kind of prison shows or anything of that nature but I cant stand cops and hate jail or prison & hate that i have close friend that are locked down.

6. I can do anything with a computer. I can make one from parts and I can fix anything that's wrong with any ones computer. One time my own computer crashed and it took me about 9hours to fix it but after I did what I did its now running like new.
People come to me asking me if I can fix there computers ( of course I charge them), people ask me to put music and videos on there MP3s or iPods but I don't do that for people anymore because they don't appreciate it so that's dead. I only do it for myself, Gypsy, or REALLY close friends.

Ok that's about it. Now to the people I tagged you better do it. If I took time out and did it so can you!
Stay Up!

Chon Chon?

Just wanted to let everyone know that I have not forgotten I have been "tagged" and I will get to it probably tonight.
I have been working very hard at my new job that I'm kinda digging.

I will update my blog asap.

Thanks to all my new "crew members" and I am hanging in there.

Sending some real Brooklyn loving to all!

Stay Up!

*RIP CHARLIE GIRL*

I have never felt more empty then I do right now.....

I'm not going to re-live it over but all I will say is my cat Charlie had to be put down tonight after something bad happened to her.
I feel like someone has a piece of my soul.
RIP my Charlie Girl you will be missed each & everyday..............

I don't really feel like blogging anymore but I feel I owe it to the people that read my shit to know whats going on since my last post which I believe I did yesterday? Wow I'm in a fucking fog.
Anyways Judy the woman that was arrested was taken to Rikers Island last night, I got a call from the husband Flip about an hour before I got a call from Judy in Rikers. Flip called me wanting to know if I could please call Rikers and find out any info on Judy that I could. He has a pre-paid phone and could only put 10 dollars worth on the phone so that if Judy could call him we would be able to get the call, and also that if the children could call him somehow or if ACS needed to get in touch with him.
I had no problem with making the calls for him and all I could find out was that her bail was $1000 and I got her ID#.
I called him and let him know that. Also told him that my phone is on 24/7 and if he needed me to call anyone for him to just let me know.
About an hour later I was on the bus going to my mothers house to do some laundry, and I was also sleeping over the night and my phone rang and it was Judy calling me from Rikers.
She wanted to give me her Food Stamp Card #'s & pin because she had the card on her and she wanted Flip to have them in case he needed to buy food, or cash stamps in for money.
To those that don't know there are stores that will take your food stamps and cash them in as if you bought something and give you cash back. Of course you don't get the full amount you only get 7 dollars for every 10 you give out.
So I wrote down what she wanted me to, and I asked her when she was going back to court and she said tomorrow.
She was upset that her kids were taken and found out from me that Flip was out of jail and he had the phone turned on.
So after like 2 more minutes of talking we got cut off & I called Flip and let him know everything she wanted me to tell him and also that she would be in court tomorrow.
He thanked me over & over, and again I told him no problem & to call if he needed anything. My last word to him were "go get your kids homie"!
Today I was bringing the laundry back home and then going to walk my dogs real quick and then head to my program.
As I was at my apartment with Gypsy Judy called me from her phone, she said that they let her go. She said she had a really great judge and that she didn't actually leave the store with the items so that played a big factor. I told her she had a fucking angel over her and she was 1 luck bitch! She asked if I could bring her a shirt because she was wearing them same one she had on and was going right to the program because she was sick as a dog.
I grabbed a black tee and headed to the program. I saw Judy, gave her the shirt and she told me after the program she was headed to court to see what she can do to get her kids back.

Since seeing her at the program she called me around 3pm and she was still in court waiting. I told her to call me to let me know what was going on.
I have not heard from her since. I don't know if she got her kids, if ACS still has them, or if they are trying to keep them from her and put them in permanent foster care.

So thats that for now, I'm going to try and keep my mind from racing and get some sleep.

Children Lost. Adult Losing It.

As I'm posting this I cant help but think about how horrible this situation is. What happened was the woman I have blogged about before has gone and done it again.
The women Judy went out and shoplifted and got caught. As of right now I think her kids were with her and that's the reason they have gone in the ACS system and for some reason they split them up. It is a 7 year old boy, and a 10 year old girl.
The father (sperm doner more like it) was also arrested the same fucking day for drinking a beer out in public. His name is Flip and he drinks beer like its fucking water.
They both are on the program, take pills, smoke crack, and do dope. They tell there kids that they steal to put food on the table but it all goes to drugs.
So the way I found out was her twin sister Joann called me and told me what happened. My first word to her were why don't you go and get them. "ohhh ummm I cant its a big thing and ummm I just cant"
After hearing this from her I wanted to rip her head threw the phone and beat her. Those are your sisters children, you TWIN SISTER and they NEED you NOW you selfish fuck!
Joann said she was waiting in the court room for both of them to be arraigned and was going to call me back and let me know what happened.
Judy has a long rap sheet of stealing and shoplifting and shes going to jail for sure its just a matter of how long shes going away for.
Another fucked up part of this is her older son Freddy is in Rikers right now and wont be coming home till February some time for also robbing someone.
What chance do these kids have? The young ones and the older son?
After I got off the phone with Joann I told Gypsy what the phone call was about and she saw I was upset, I have a soft spot in my heart for these kids. They always come and hug me when they see me, I let them listen to my iPod, or play with my PSP. I also put music on there MP3 players when they finally got there own little bullshit ones.
They hold my hand when we walk down the block, I play games with them. So its not like there just another 2 kids who have fucked up parents, I know them, I have love for them.
Gypsy was saying could we even go and get them and how would we care for them and trying to make sense of it all.
I just kept thinking that the girl is 10 years old and the boy is 7 and what if God Forbid someone tries to hurt them or touch them in a sexual way.
Where are they? Do they know whats going on?
My mind is racing as of now.

I cant help but feeling angry all the time. Not just because of this but other things that are going on in my life.
People on the program are trying there hardest to bring me down and keep me down.
People on the program come up to me and tell me gossip and every time I just stop them and let them know I don't care and I have my own problems, REAL problems!
I'm trying SO HARD to find legit work. I don't want to deal drugs and live like that anymore and it seems all I keep doing is hitting walls. The walls are getting thicker and thicker.
I feel like I don't have control on my life.
I feel like my insides are screaming.
I feel like if anyone says the wrong thing to me I'm going to see red and just fucking lose it.

I don't know anymore.......

To those that are reading this I ask of you to say a prayer for those kids.

Pop Off

You know sometimes I feel like in this vortex where I'm being sucked in by all the negative energy that's going on around me.
I REALLY trying to change and do the right thing. I wrote up a resume, made it really good. Gypsy helped me with a few things and its looking really good. I have answered a few ad's on Craigs list and also gone in person to a few places.
I'm at a point where I'm willing to do whatever is needed to make a steady paycheck and no be on the grind. Not have to look over my shoulder, not have to worry about the boys taking me down and sending me away for as much as they can.
Make a real life with my and Gypsy, something where she can know that I'm making money, doing the right thing, and we can rest easy at night.
However the reason I say I feel like I'm in a vortex is because no matter what time I go to the program, it can be early, it can be last minute I run into people who just have nothing going on for them and frankly they say there my friends but they don't give to fucking shits about me.
Who's smoking crack. Who is living with this one, and there all talking about shit about each other behind each others backs. Who's fucking this one behind his wife's back but I don't know how its behind her back when the whole program seems to know there fucking each others. Who only strikes up a conversation with me because they either want a favor like music on there stolen MP3 or to borrow money.
I get on the bus with my iPod blasting, and they still come up with me wanting to yack in my fucking ear about all this fucking bullshit that I could give two shits about.
I have always been a private person, my business is mine and not for everyone else to know and talk about and add what they feel like to the story. I don't go talk about my personal life with others, mainly these fucking lowlifes that thrive on the misery of others. So just because I don't tell everyone whats going on with me doesn't mean I don't have problems of my own.
I feel like the more I see them or talk to them, and the more I don't have my head right I'm going to either do something on impulse and it wont be good. I also feel like it has hardened me to a point where I don't even care about anyone but Gypsy, my mother, and my babies.
I feel like I have all this pent up frustration and I'm going to just fucking pop off at any minute.