Another Angel Or Another Junkie?

If someone would have told me what I was getting into when I started I don't think I would have ever touched dope. Then I start thinking, well if I didn't do the things I did and go the route I went, would I be the same person I am today? Would I have met the same people?
I think the hurdles I have overcome have made me into the person I am today and I like to
think that I'm a pretty good person. Sometimes too good of a person. Sometimes I don't know when to say no to people. Gypsy keeps telling me I have to learn to say no to people if not they
will walk all over me, and she sure as shit is right and I'm learning slowly but surely.
I can't help it sometimes though, its who I am. I believe that God doesn't like ugly and Karma never sleeps. I might not have everything I want in life but I have everything I need and that's a blessing.
A woman on the program Judy has 3 kids. One is 19 years old and already a heroin and crack addict. Her other 2 kids are young and in school and
are the cutest things. The youngest son 
loves me, and every time he sees me he asks
to use my iPod. Of course I let him use it,
because
I know that's the only time of his day where hes actually having a good time.
The rest of his and his sisters day will consist of being the
lookout while there mom steals whatever she can from
the stores she goes into! I really 
hope they don't turn to drugs, but lets be
honest there odds aren't so great 
right?! So today I saw the older son, Freddy, and he made a comment
"I'm a fly mother fucker". I turned to him and said " Your ok, but keep getting high
and see how fly you will be looking then". His response was something I have heard too many times. "I wont be doing this much longer, I'm going into detox soon and I'm quiting"
Another thing I heard today was this pregnant bitch Jessica who hasn't been to a doctor
since getting knocked up might have had the baby. She might have lost it by stillborn, she might have lost it to the system. Only time will tell. I'm sure once one
person from the program knows the truth of the
matter it will spread like wildfire. 
Just like all the gossip does in every methadone program.  Jessica was using Methadone, Xanax, Klonapin, Crack and anything else she could get
her hands on while being pregnant. Do I feel bad for her?
No! I feel bad for that fucking baby that's in her and for
the pain its going to feel when it comes out into the world,
again if it makes it out alive!
It just makes me sick that a person like her gets pregnant
by a loser who has 4 other kids, meanwhile she has 2 kids
of her own that she doesn't even take care of herself really. Jessica's kids take care of themselves
mostly, because 95% of the time Jessica is stoned!
So do you think it would be a bad thing if that baby were to have gone to heaven?

Hollow

I'll never disapoint you or let you down!
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It's not over and won't stop there,
I am here for you hoping you see and care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Your the one the one for me.
You have always been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Your the one the one for me.
You have always been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Your the one the one for me.
You have always been the one for me.

For without you I am hollow...........

RIP RONNIE

The seasons are changing, summer is over and the Winter is coming here in Brooklyn slowly but surely. I don't like to sweat, but I like the long hours of sunlight, seeing the kids playing at the park, and here in Brooklyn theres this certain smell in the air. I have such great memories from my summers growing up. I think back on all the summers I had with people who are no longer here, and this brings me to the time I lost one of my best friends.

All hoods have lil nicknames for all the chill spots. We used to chill in the same area all the time. There was the block, the park, and the square. One night me and a few of my close friends were chilling hanging out, doing the usual every night bullshit. Get high, get drunk, drop some acid, do some lines, and then there was the powerful heroin habit that I had to feed. Some of my homies knew abut the dope, but I mostly hid it from most. So what seemed to be a normal night turned into a night that I will never forget. One of my good friends Ronnie, who was so kind and cool. This dude would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He got into a beef with this other guy over money. Words were exchanged, and next thing I know Ronnie and this other kid are going at it. Now right away I took out my brass knuckles and was ready to go, but it was a one on one and Ronnie was defiantly holding his own. He was beating the shit out of this other dude. Now being the dude friends were looking, and he was getting his ass kicked, he must have felt like if he didn't do something "big" he would never live this ass whipping down. So what does he decide to do? He pulls out a knife and being Ronnie is so focused on hitting him and fighting him, he doesn't see the knife. I reacted but it was too late. Ronnie had been stabbed 3times before I got over to him. Everything was moving in slow motion at this time. It was like I was on the outside looking in. At that point everyone that was friends of ours jumped on the guy, and started beating him worse then what Ronnie had done. Of course his homies left as soon as they saw us jumping on him,and heard the cops and ambulance in the distance.

It was too late Ronnie had died right then and there. All because he fought a good fight. The guy finally came to, and the cops were right there to arrest him. All he said was "I didn't mean to kill him". With tears in my eyes I said "Well you did and now he's gone forever"! Not a day goes by that I don't think of Ronnie. He was one of my best friends, he was down for whatever, always smiling and joking! I cant help but wonder what life would be like if he was still here

Whats Your Secret?

Hey my wonderful peeps whats going down? I always start out thinking I have nothing much to write about but once I finally get going I cant seem to stop.
Wednesday night me and my wife went to a book reading/signing here in Brooklyn. It was in a Barnes and Noble, and it was close to home. It was Frank Warren the guy from the Postsecrets website. If your not familiar with the site its kick ass. He has people mail in postcards with secrets on them. Its all anonymous and every Sunday he picks 20 and puts them on the site. He has been doing this for about 3 years and has made about 3 books from it as well. He was speaking on his latest book at the signing that we went to.
So we went early and sat at Starbucks, got a nice Caramel Frap and read the book. I had a really good time. As I was sitting across from Maria I couldn't help but think how happy we both were at that moment and how I just wanted to make it last forever. I would find a funny or shocking secret and show her and she would do the same and we exchanged them while sharing our Frap.
Other people were getting a lil pissed because we were laughing and having a good time but fuck em, if you don't like it them fucking move!
We went out to have a smoke and then went down to get good seats. It started at 7:30pm but we went and sat down at 7 and there were people already waiting. As time went by and got closer to him coming in it got so packed.
So he came and spoke about how he got started and some secrets that stay in his mind, and how his daughter and wife tried to sneak there own postcard secrets in while he wasn't looking and it was just a really great time. He's a regular guy, in his forties who came up with this idea and it took off. He gives alot of his profits to the suicide helpline. If you go to his site you will see at the bottom more about the helpline.
Are you brave enough to tell someone else? Would you ever send one in?
I have sent one in and so has my wife. Believe it or not Marias got posted on the blog one Sunday! How dope is that?
So whats your secret...................................?

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Saw 4

I don't know about you guys but I loved every single "SAW" movie they made.
Going to my moms house tonight I looked at the usual posters on the trains and seen the new one for SAW 4! I couldn't believe my eyes! I didn't think they would be able to come back from the last one!
As soon as I came home I went on the computer to see the trailer for it and what else the site had for me to read and see.
Of course I loved it and watched it 5times to see if I could get any hints from it. It comes out October 26Th and I cant WAIT! Anyone else love them as much as me?

Bad Bad Blogger!

I just wanted to let my peeps know that I am alive and I'm still here.
Alot has been going on this past week. I have been trying to get my apartment with my wife somewhat renovated.
Were looking to get a new couch and we had to get rid of the old one of course. I asked my wife did they take the door off the hinges when bringing it in and she said no. So I went to try to get it out the door and the fucking thing got STUCK!
Now the door and stairway is blocked! Now what? Well we called the fire department and the GREAT MEN of the FD NY came and saved 2 women in big distress. They we rent very happy to not see a fire when they came and said "were not movers
you know".  However they moved it back into the house where I broke it the next day.
Today I moved the washing machine out because the fucking thing broke so we need to get a new one because I just hate having to go to a laundry mat, and lugging them to my moms house is a heavy trip for me.
So I'm going to take it apart tomorrow so we don't need the FD NY to come again.
Also my mom scared the shit out of me by saying that her hernia was purple. I looked some info on the net and it said that if it was purple to call your doctor right away.
So she did, and she went to see her and the Doctor said everything was fine and gave her the name of a surgeon to take care of it and I will be going with her to see how that goes.
I went and saw her today and looked at the hernia and its wasn't purple at all and in fact what she saw was her veins. I was relieved but wanted to slap her upside the head at the same time!
I'm just glad that shes ok, shes my world, she does soo much for me.
Today she called my brother to tell him something and he was very rude. I could hear because she had it on speaker to hear better. I grabbed the phone and screamed at him "how dare you talk to her like that, show some fucking respect for your mother you fucking scumbag"!
Of course he hung up the phone after some few choice words. My mother says oh just let it be hes probably tired from work.
I didn't care that was no reason to talk to her like that and it made me so mad!
Right now my mother is going threw a tough time with her health and she needs as much support as she can get and those words just stung me and I hated to even have had her talked to in that manner from her own son. A son she did so much for and sacrificed so much for.
I realize shes not going to be here forever and it kills me, I'm crying as writing this. I love her so much and the thought of her not here scares the living shit out of me!
Well that's about all for now. I hope everyone is doing well and feeling good.
Till next time.......................sKILLz

Monday Night Lineup!

Not much happened today. I was happy to get a letter from a friend of mine that is in Texas prison. He sent me a kick ass card along with the letter. He cant draw so I know he must have paid for it. I'm going to see if I can send him some money come the beginning of the month because that card was just so beautiful.
Other than that Prison Break, and Heroes were kick ass as always. Tonight was Prison Breaks 2nd episode of the season, but it was the premiere of Heroes and man I just love those shows.
Also Weeds and Californication were on tonight and they disappoint not a bit. They always keep me laughing and guessing at the same time!
Does anyone else watch any of these shows?
Oh and this Sunday starts the new season of Dexter!!! I cant freaking wait!!

Let start the week out right!

On a lighter note I got alot done this weekend. Alot of laundry that is! I did about 2 big duffle bags filled, plus some stuff I ordered came and now I have a even bigger wardrobe.
One thing I always loved having was clothes. I love being able to open my closet and being able to see and decide what I going to wear that day. Its a good feeling.
Today is monday and Im going to TRY to start off the week right. Whatever happens, happens I have to realize I have no control over it and hopefully things will work out!
Took LOTS of pix this weekend. Maria and I went into the city and I caught a few good ones there. Im up early because Gypsy has an apt and I said I would go with her, she still sleeping but after this post Im going to go and wake her up with the smell of a fresh cup of java!

I hate Fake Poeople!

First off I want to say sorry for not posting in like a week or so. Alot has been going on and sometimes I don't even have the motivation to come on here and post it.
One thing that's been really bothering me is that I have been trying my best to help my friend Linda who's husband is locked up, and because I wasn't able to go with her one fucking day to Rikers Island so he can get the stuff that I GOT FOR HIM (shirts, tank tops, boxers..etc) she caught the only fucking attitude with me.
So on Friday (we were supposed to go on Thursday), I see her with this cunt Joann, you know the on that be talking mad shit about me, the one who hates on me every chance she gets, the one who snitched on me after I punched her in the face and basically was the main reason I got kicked off the program. I see her walking with the cunt, and the cunt is wheeling the stroller. Then when we catch eye contact me and Linda she mouths the words" you fucked up". I looked at her like she had 3 heads and mouthed right back " I fucked up"??!?
So I walked outside and as i walked outside I noticed that Joann took the baby out of the carriage. See her SICK mind thinks that if she takes her out of the carriage I wont got over and say hello to the kid. LIKE I GIVE A FUCK!!!!
Anyway I talker to Linda I let her fucking have it, I told her you Linda with me having an open case I don't think its the best thing going into Rikers, also I have my own problems, also I was the on that got you almost everything you got for Tone. Also who's been giving you smokes everyday, who's been giving you a dollar here and dollar there, swiping her on the train because she had no money, took time out to write to Tone,
took the time out to take pix with my digi send them to your sister so she can print them out 
to Tone,it might not be much be its the fucking thought that counts. Also who was the one who took YOUR baby a $60.00 hoodie and a $30.00 onesie that was baby bottles with the Warhol colors.
Plus what about the last time he was "away" when I helped you then basically the same things only that time I went and asked my mother if you could deposit checks that were in Tones name so you can get the money,
and I did, and you had the money the next fucking day.
When i was talking to Gypsy about this she said "what made you think she was any different than anyone else you meet in a methadone program" I REALLY did think she was different. I don't know why but I did.
So now I'm like fuck her, anything you need now go ask Joann.
First off Joann cant do for herself, she lives in a shelter with not a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, do you REALLY think that shes going to be able to help you!?!! See I can do for Linda Joann cant, and if Linda wants to be a lil cunt like Joann then let her be. Im not going to do shit for her.
Oh and the kickers was that she was mentioning how she has 2 checks of Tones at home that she cant cash and one one the way, oh well let Joann have then cashed for you.....oh wait she don't have a bank account so she CANT cash them for you, you dumb bitch!
Then she tells me "I'm going to McDonald's with Joann, wait for me here I will be right back. Don't go anywhere I need to talk to you." I smoked a cig and then I left.
I'm not going to wait for you and her? Im about a 1/2 inch away from beating the shit out of Joann!
Plus someone told me that Joann and this other cunt Star were making comments like "she needs to get her own kid, and why is she so obsessed with your baby"
Are they out of there fucking mind!?!? I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING KIDS I HAVE DOGS!
There the ones that as soon as they see Linda they run up to her and snatch the baby away from her!
You know it just got me really mad because she tells me all these things that Joann and Star say about me, how "oh she thinks shes all that because shes got new this and how is she going to afford her habit and where does she get she money from" and SO MANY other things  could say that the more I talk about it the more I wanna just wait for her by the program and beat the shit out of her!
Again starting today there's going to be a new me, a me that tells people "NO" no I cant help you, no I not going to go out of my way to help you.
I also found out that Tone copped out to a year so hes going to be away for at LEAST 8 months, lets see how Linda does without me that whole time!
Believe you me there will be reports!