I'm Alive & Well

Hey whats up my online people?
First off let me say sorry for not blogging and not giving updates on the norm. I have been REALLY busy.
I'm hitting the work force hardbody trying to get a legit job. Also taking care of myself by going to the doctor, dentist and also some other appointments that needed to be done.

Also I have been going threw some shit, personal shit that I don't really wanna put on blast right now, maybe sometime down the line but not right now.
Been taking care of my mom and everything on her end making sure things are good for her and shes doing what she needs to be done.

We just came back from doing food shopping, got the babies there food and some treats as well.
One of our friend is going to lend us "The Wrestler" with Micky Rorke. He won the Godel Globe for it and I REALLY hope h e wins the Oscar. I have loved him since I saw him in "The Pope Of Greenwich Village"
He was so handsome in that movie, also loved him in "Bullet"!

So anyways that's whats been going on with me and everything is cool, just keeping my head up and trying to make things better for myself!
Just trying to have a normal life with none of the bullshit you know?
Sometimes my head is so loud its like no matter what I do I cant get away from it and sometimes it seems like the only answer is to get high and let everything go numb, but I'm trying as hard as I can to not go that route.
Thanks to everyone who has stayed in touch and if I don't email you this weekend then I will get to as soon as I can.

Whats The Reason?

I was about 16 years old and heavy into the drug game by now. I was shooting dope, and smoking crack. I was also smoking weed, and on the weekends when I went out with my friends I would do sniff coke, take Ecstasy & Ketamine I was a garbage head really. Not everyone in the crew knew I was smoking crack and shooting dope. They thought I only did it once and awhile and didn't know I had a habit and was on a mission.
Anyways here I am a 16 year old female thinking I can take on the world. I was always the "tomboy" type. I always knew I liked females in a sexual way so I always ran with the boys and that made me all the more tough. I made my money with my running partner who was a man named Shabazz. When I met him I was 15 and he was 36, he had just come home from doing a 9 year bid in a max prison.
We clicked right away, and he didn't want to get into my pants, he saw I was about my money and I liked to get high and he was the same way. He always got money, stayed fly and was able to get high. Of course we had our bad days but what addict doesn't. The point I'm trying to make is Bazz was good to me and he took my under his wing and looked at me like a little sister.
So everyday we would meet up if we didn't break night together, and plan how we would make our money and what we were going to take off in order to "get this money".
One day he tells me he has something set up and all I have to do is lookout and were paid.
He was going to take off a number spot/weed spot with another guy and all I had to do is lookout, and make sure no one came inside while they did what needed to be done.
So we went over it and over it and the time came....
Bazz and his homeboy went in and I stood outside the door like I was told to do.
I could hear people screaming and loud noises coming from inside but I tried to block it out and stay on point with what I had to do.
What seemed like forever was only 2 minutes if that and Bazz and his homeboy came out with bags that held cash & weed.
We got in the car and drove away, all of us happy and trying to keep our cool and make sure no one was following us..
We went into his homeboys apartment, and split up the goods. His homeboy was arguing with Bazz over the fact that I shouldn't get as much as I was because they did most of the work and if anything happened they were the ones that were going down for it.
Well after a few heated words Bazz made sure I got my fair cut and we went right to the 24 hour spot on Humbolt that sold both crack and dope and Bazz and I loaded up and we went and got a hotel room and partied.
Right after it happened the word was out that the spot had gotten stuck up and they were putting word out that if anyone knew anything they would give cash money to any info.
Bazz told me not to worry, that as long as none of us talked we would be in the clear and I knew I wasn't saying anything and I knew he wasn't either, and neither was his homeboy.
A few days later I was going to cop dope at Da Spot. After I got my shit I headed over to this shooting gallery that all the junkies knew of and went to, as long as you had something for "Dud" (That was the dudes nickname) then you can go in and do your shit and relax, or smoke and get all cracked out.
So I went inside and right away I got a bad feeling but just dismissed it. I was doing my first shot of the day so I was just getting off "E", in other words I was taking the dope sickness away and not really getting high just yet.
After I did my shit I smoked a cigarette and was getting ready to leave when this crackhead pulled out a gun on me.
He was cracked out of his mind and he was saying that I had money and I was going to give it up or he was going to kill me.
Let me tell you something it is a strange feeling having a gun pointed right at your face. I mean to the point where you can look right down the barrel.
I told him I didn't have shit and I was just getting off "e" and I was going out to hustle in order not to be sick later on.
Of course I was lying and had the money stashed in my shoe but even with a loaded gun in my face I wasn't giving up my fucking money. Shit I took the risk and here was this nigga pulling a gun on me and just taking it? (Meanwhile that's how I got mine but fuck it).
After a few choice words and screaming back and forth he pulled the trigger and the gun did go off, matter of fact it went off right by my ear and I lost most of my hearing in that ear but it didn't touch me. I don't know if it backfired or the bullet was a blank. To this day I still don't know.
Lou posted about the movie American Beauty when the guy gets shot in the head his life flashes before his eyes. When the gun went off none of that happened to me. I didn't think of my family, friends, good times, or bad times, I was simply blank.
Maybe it wasn't my time and that's why that didn't happen to me? Maybe when it really is my time to go I will see all that? Who knows?
What I do know is I'm still here and still getting high and taking chances. I'm not taking chances like I was, shit nothing like I used to.
I would certainly like to think that gun missed for a reason.....

Happy Holidays!

Just want to wish everyone a happy holidays. Whatever your religion is and whatever you celebrate I hope you enjoy it.

As for me and Gypsy we are going over to a very good friends house tonight, and then were going out with my mother for dinner.
I plan on making the best of it and having a great time!

Again try to enjoy yourself no matter what the situation might be!

Merry X-Mas!

Oh and this is my 100th post since I started the blog!! Who would have thought I had so much to say??

Stay Up!

*Shits Creek Not MeThis Time*

Sorry that my last post was soo long ago. I try so hard to keep up, its just sometimes I don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling, or I feel like it might be a little too private to let the world read about.
Anyone else feel either one of those ways? I'm sure I'm not the only one right?

So lets see a few things have happened since my last blog.

There was a all out brawl in front of my program last Saturday and its not the end of it. They had the guy & his wife on the floor and were stomping them out and beating them up with there own chain & lock they brought to jump someone while she was going to be with her kids.
Just so happens the woman they were going to jump is Judy the one I have blogged about and talked about before.
Well her older son who I wrote to in Rikers, and her husband & another guy I talk to and know beat the shit outta the others. They were waiting for Judy, thinking she was going to be alone with her little kids and they were going to jump her with the weapon they had the chain & lock however the tables got turned big time and they got fucked up!

I honestly feel like they got what they had coming to them, and that they should have gotten a bigger beat down then what they got.
Also kinda glad that no one got in trouble and got arrested for those fucking scumbags.

Unfortunately Judy and her twin sister, Joann, got caught shoplifting and they are now on Rikers with a $500.00 bail for each of them. They are coming back to court on Monday. I don't know whats going to happen with them. Boosting is there thing, and they always get caught for that so they might end up doing some time. Judy has kids and has a open ACS case so that's REALLY not fucking good.
Joann's boyfriend who just got out of this prison about 4months ago is up shits creek because he has a dope habit and he depended on Joann to boost everyday and make money that way. Now I don't know WTF hes going to do to keep that monkey off his back. I'm sure he's going to ask me to help him out but I just cant do it right now.
I will let you know whats up as I know.

My good friend Lisa is back in the hospital once again....fucked up I know tell me about it.
Shes got a bad case of pneumonia. Shes in one step down from ICU.
Last night I went to her apartment in Harlem to take care of her cat Buster. Gypsy & I saved that cat from the shelter and Lisa took him in and gave him a good home. So being shes in the hospital I agreed to go over and make sure the cat is ok, as far as food, his litter, water and just some company.
I ended up staying the night there last night and I kind of enjoyed being alone with myself and my thoughts.

Today I went to my program and met up with Gypsy. We went and had a great lunch together. Its pouring raining here, and I think its going to be like this all weekend.

Oh you MUST check out this link.
Its a live web cam of English Bull Dog PUPPIES!
SO freaking cute! Gypsy & I have been watching them for like the past 2 weeks and we love every minute of it!!
If you don't smile at them and how cute they are then theres something seriously wrong with you!!

This weekend I'm going to put up X-mas lights, and decorations for my mothers house, and as well as our apartment.
I'm kind of excited, I'm trying to get into the spirit even though I'm not really feeling it this year. Oh well we shall see..

Well I think that's about it.
I did go out and cop something for tonight. I haven't done anything since Sunday.
I'm trying but it seems to be calling me non-stop.

Stay Up!

Happy Turkey Day!!

Just want to say thanks to everyone that has been commenting on my recent blog posts.

Had a great holiday. Gypsy, my mom, & I went out to eat for dinner. This is the very first Thanksgiving that we all have ever been out for dinner.
It was a great dinner & we had a great time I am very happy to say.

I am going to apply for a job tomorrow so wish me luck.

Other then that been chilling trying to stay out of trouble and just got home to the babies and watching a mini-marathon of "Lockup RAW". I love any shows that have to do with prison. I don't know why I hate the place and anyone being there that doesn't TRUELY deserve it however I enjoy watching any kind of Documentaries or shows on it.

I really wish everyone had a good holiday and it was stress free.
Stay Up!

Stressed... & Venting.....

Dam another post in a row? This has GOT to be a record. You know what it is, its that I have alot going on in my life and alot going on in my mind and I figure that before I blow the fuck up and end up in jail for taking my frustration out on the wrong person I might as well try to vent some of my shit on here you know?

Ok here it goes as you know from my last post my brother didn't even call my mother for her birthday and I know it hurt her and she told me not to call him and not get mad.
Well last night my brother called me saying he cant get in touch with my mother and he was getting ready to cal 911 because he was worried.
So my response to him was "instead of calling 911 why didn't you just call her for her birthday"
He came back saying some shit with " you know sKILLz I have alot of things on my mind"
I told him "come on now F. you act like your the only one with problems, well your not. you remembered to call your father for HIS birthday RIGHT you fucking scumbag" also with another few choice words I'm not going to post on here. Then I hung up on him before he could even respond.
He called my mother after my phone call and said I had no right to talk to him like that and so on.
He left me a voice mail saying some BULLSHIT that wasn't even true.

So I called him and left a voice mail saying basically to sum it up:
Fuck you
Fuck your father, he could die tomorrow and I wouldn't give a fuck
I haven't given a fuck about him for years and I wont for years to come
Hes a piece of shit and your becoming like him more and more each day.
You can let him listen to this voicemail because I don't give a FUCK
Fuck your Cunt of a wife who has no respect for my mother. She couldn't take 5 min out of her day and call her??
Again fuck you and your wife who has no respect and doesn't know how to treat people. I don't like the way she treats my mother and tell her I said shes another fucking scumbag asshole for all the things my mother did for her.
Again you only know how to call my mother when you want or need something.

He made a comment on my voicemail saying "you know people have lives"

So on my voicemail I said along with everything else "people have lives, why don't you think about the person who GAVE your your fucking life you SCUMBAG BASTARD!
That's alright because God doesn't like ugly and your life is looking pretty ugly to me" and then I hung up.

He called my mother and said I cant believe all the things she said on that voicemail, do you know whats she said. My mother knew because I called her and let her know and gave her a heads up.

Anyways bottom line today I went over to my mothers and surprised her with a visit and brought her some sugar free candy and just spent some time with her. She is always happy to have me over there even if for a few hours.

After I went to my mothers I went to cop some dope and I'm waiting for Gypsy to get home before I do it. Why did I go and get it? I don't know I am stressed and I honestly want to get high and just "get away" from all the bullshit running in my head and just get high.
Theres no justification for doing it but I know like I said I just want to "get away" and get high and feel nice..

I just finished taking the doggies on a nice long hour or so walk, then fed them and at around 9pm I'm going to meet Gypsy at her job and walk them again for a few. There last walk for the night will come around 1-2am or so.
There really good that way. They let me know when they have to go out and go. Bandit will start pacing and staying by the door, and if I am sleeping he will keep scratching my arms until I wake up and I know right away he has to go out.

It feels so great in here with the new windows and the new boiler. The windows are whats making the difference. Its keeping the heat in, instead of the old windows that when it snowed I could make you a ice slushy.
I am very grateful at this point and I don't mind getting out of bed and taking them out because i know I'm going to be coming back into a nice heated house, opposed to before where there were drafts and it was just horrible.

So in a nutshell that's whats been going on with me in the past day or so.
Hope everyone is doing well out there.....
Stay Up

As So Goes.....

Wow 3 days in a row of posting I think this is a record for me blogging....LOL

Well I have good news to day we have a BRAND NEW boiler. We have heat and hot water and its Pumping!!
Last night I went to my mother because like I posted it was her birthday and I got her what I said I was going to get her and boy O boy was she surprised. She was crying tears of joy and that made me happy because I knew how happy I made her.
My sister called her and I'm sure she mailed her a card and its just going to come late. If she doesn't then I have more faith in her then I thought and shes a real fucking asshole.
My brother didn't even CALL HER!!! Can you fucking believe that shit???
I KNOW that hurt my mother so much and for that fact I wanted to go and fucking beat the living SHIT outta him because like I said I know how much it hurt her.
I was going to call him in the morning when I woke up because I slept over and we had dinner together and my mother didn't want me to call because she wanted to see how long it would take him to remember for him to call her.
She said "he remembered his fathers birthday what was it to remember mine and just call me", ughhhh when she said that it made me wanna hurt him EVEN MORE!!!!
I swear this is breaking up our family even more then it was before. I mean we were never a tight family. The song that always reminds me of my family is "FAMILY PORTRAIT" by "PINK"
Just the words, if you don't know the song then listen to them and it is pretty close to painting a picture of what my family was like only it was 100x worse.

Hey no ones family is perfect but growing up with a scumbag gambler & alcoholic father why would beat the shit outta me for nothing is pretty FUCKED no???
I certainly think so.
I don't know if I'm a addict because of it or not who's to ever say. I know I was running the streets and getting high to get away from my house and the shit that was going on in it so I know that, then just got too deep too fast. Liked running the streets, liked hanging out, liked getting high......as so goes the start of my addiction.....

I Dont Get It

Thanks everyone for there comments on my last post.
To day I'm going to post a little on the subject of family.
See what sucks is today is my moms birthday and like I said in the above post what I was going to get for her and I did and I'm also going to spend the night with her and we are going to eat diner together and I KNOW just me being there makes her fucking day but I went out of my way for her as I try to do each year because she has done so much for me.
Now here it is 6 PM and my older sister and older brother haven't even CALLED her yet. What the FUCK type shit is that?! Who raised you, you fucking motherfucking scumbags?!?!
See my mother knows how I am and she doesn't want me to say anything to them or to fight with them because if her and I'm like "ma I can only take but so much before I explode"
I know for a FACT they are waiting for my mother to pass to see what she has left them in her will. I know that when she finally does pass and God PLEASE let it be many many moons from now that that's when they will come out of the woodwork and see what was left to them.
When my mom was at the hospital when she first got diagnosed with diabetes my brother went to see her once, and my sister didn't even come down and see not a one time. Me, I went EVERYDAY faithfully after my clinic and would sit with her and do crosswords and watch TV just do whatever to pass the time.
It just so happens that she was in the hospital on Mother Day and I was the ONLY one who got her something and who came to see her and spend time with her.
You don't know how much it KILLS me to know that they are hurting my mother SO FUCKING MUCH!
I know that when she is gone there going to be sorry for the time they lost out on her.
I think that the fact that they both chose to stick to my father side played a big part as well. Why would you even talk to that man for? He was a gambler a alcoholic, and he used to throw us beating for no fucking reason. Shit and that's not even the HALF of the shit I went threw as a child but that's another blog. I think I have blogged about my father before I have to go back and check.
Anyways bottom line hes a fucking lowlife motherfucker and he doesn't deserve my piss if he was on fire and yet my sister and brother chose to talk to him, and visit with him and send him cards and so on. So WTF is so hard about doing the same for your mother?
I'm sorry but I don't get it and NEVER will!
Hope everyone is doing well and getting ready for the holidays.
Stay Up Everyone!

Happy Birthday Mommy I love You Always!!

Well here it goes this is whats been going on in my life....

Today I had to miss the clinic because FINALLY we got brand new windows all 6 of them. They measure 37x107 & 37x94 so you can imagine how fucking much they were. Then hopefully later this week the new boiler is coming in. We have been with out heat and hot water for too long. Having to boil water every fucking night for showers is just not livable conditions. So we are VERY happy about that happening.
The dogs were very good I must say. Bandit is the one who doesn't like anyone, however when you come in the house and he sees that I ALLOW you to come in hes ok with it. Myla is just a sweetie pie and a mush, that's why I will NEVER understand why what happened with Charlie happened. I just have to stop blaming myself and move on as hard as it is to even think about it. Just the THOUGHT of her makes me cry.
Like I said before we don't have kids but our animals ARE our kids so it was a hard blow a VERY hard one.

I'm still looking for work. Finally had some time on the computer and sent out about 10 resumes and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed.
Same old shit at the clinic. I try very hard to not even talk with anyone but its like even if I have my iPod on or if I'm reading a book they come over and start talking nothing but junkie fucking talk.
Tomorrow is my moms Birthday. She said she doesn't want anything but of course I'm going to get her something. Believe it or not she doesn't have a DVD player so I was going to get her one and to start off her collection I was going to get her the " I LOVE LUCY" complete series. I saw it at Target for only 150 so what she worth it with all the shit she put up with me.
Talk about shit I was the only one out of all of her children (theres 3 of us. I have a older brother and sister) who even got her something last year.
You cant take time out to send her a fucking CARD??
See this is one of the reasons why I know for a fact that when my mother passes away I will probably be totally on my own.
My brother is a scumbag and still talks and comforts my father. My sister lives upstate and also talks to my father and they BOTH seem to only call my mother when they want or need something. I call my mom every fucking day. She is a diabetic and shes in her 60's you know God forbid but anything can happen. Plus I go and stay over a few nights a week because I know she loves just having me there. Plus sometimes I bring some laundry and get it done for free. LOL.

Anyways I'm still alive and kickin....barley somedays.......

"You had my heart, and we'll never be world apart Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star Baby cause in the dark, we can't see shiny cars And that's when you need me there With you I'll always share Because When the sun shine We'll shine together Told you I'll be here forever Said I'll always be your friend Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we still have each other You can stand under my umbrella"

McDonalds & Movies

So this morning Gypsy and I didn't even want to get out of bed but we had to go to to the program. Its the weekend and if you don't go today that means no dose for today or Sunday and then when you go in on Monday you have to be re-instated and they take 10Mg's from your normal dose.
So finally after dragging our butts out of bed we got showered and dressed. We were running late so we had to jump into a cab and its not that far so only cost 6 bucks.
While on line at the program my friend Judy's kids came over to me and hugged on me and said hello. I told them to wait outside because I honestly feel like that's no place for any children to be in.
After getting dosed we went outside and waited for the bus to go to breakfast. We have a ritual of somewhat, every Saturday after the program we go to McDonald's for there breakfast. So while we were waiting for the bus Judys kids were playing with me and joking around. I love those kids because I feel like when the kids are with me there KIDS and they don't have to listen to junky talk, and be around drug talk or anything of that nature.
So as the bus pulled up the boy jumped on my back and asked if he could come with me I told him to ask your mother and she said she was waiting for someone and that she would meet up with us.
Unfortunately they never showed up and Gypsy and I did give them enough time to come and they never did.
So after breakfast and waiting for Judy and the kids we decided to go to the movies. "SAW V" came out last night and I LOVE all of the "SAW" movies and so does Gypsy. We caught the 11:50am showing and it was on!

Honestly I did enjoy it but I really think they should leave it alone, and stop with it you know? I mean don't try to make it into like how the "Halloween" & "Nightmare On Elm Street" movies went on and on.

So we just got back home from the movies, we went and got something to eat for later because its supposed to rain heavy way into the night. So I walked our babies and now everyone is sleeping well and I think its starting to rain already...
Till Next time..
stay up!